MadBlog

Memories of Wisconsin

2008-09-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been nearly a month. I am recovered for the most part from my big day in Madison. Though, I have to admit, I keep having pangs of longing. I really miss the excitement, goal and schedule of Ironman. That said, I also LOVE my new found 'down time'. I do NOT miss the fear of failing, or wondering if I am capable of doing this thing called Ironman. So, as always, there are two sides to every coin.

I recently received the video of my finish....thought some of you might enjoy seeing it (again). Thanks again for everything. It's been an amazing trip! Until next season....

140.6

2008-09-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I did it; sassy-femme (aka Jennifer Jabson) is an Ironman. Unbelievable. As promised the race inspired a full range of emotions from denial and fear all the way to the pinnacle of exhilaration. I am still unable to articulate the sense of joy and bursting relief that surged through me when I crossed the finish line on Sunday night.

It had been a long day of swimming, climbing hills on my bike and then running through the city of Madison. Then, in a dark, quiet neighborhood, about a mile from the finish line, I began to hear the dull roar of the crowds ahead. I rounded another corner or two and around the buildings I could see the glow of what I new were the blazing finish line lights. Another corner, and a second. Then the darkness and silence was broken. There were people in the streets again, people cheering me on...me, lil' old Jenny Jabson, me. And there, at the final turn, there was the crowd, the blinding white lights, the finish line and that great big voice announcing, "Jennifer Jabson, you are an Ironman". I held my breath in order to choke back the tears that were a mixture of my relief and my joy that came from fulfilling a dream that started so many years ago. But I have gotten ahead of myself, here's how the day went.

We got up at 3:30 a.m. to get ourselves ready. At 4:30 a.m. we boarded a shuttle with several other nervous nellies and their support crews and then arrived for body marking at 5 a.m. I felt like an ant in an ant hill trying to get my tasks done amidst ten-million other little ants. There was a buzz in the air that made my skin have goosebumps and my heart pound. Walking slowly in the dim light of the parking lot lights to my bike I checked my heart rate....it was off the charts. I kept thinking 'breathe, breathe'. It was still dark out, that felt safe, and also somehow very wrong.

We had our wetsuits on and we were warming up in the water by 6:23 a.m. just before the official sunrise. The water was a really nice 71 degrees, and there was a warm hue that promised a gorgeous sunrise out over the horizon. Initially I felt pretty calm. Then at 6:59, the announcer promised the cannon would fire in less than one minute. "YIKES, I'VE MADE A MISTAKE, I THINK I NEED TO GE...." at 7 a.m. the cannon went off. That's when calm left the scene and my new friend 'oh dear god swim for your life' joined me. So I put my head down and I swam the best 2.4 miles that I have ever swam, 1:27.

The transition to the bike was much longer than I had planned or hoped for (nearly 13 minutes). I ran/walked/pulled myself out of the water, got stripped by the wetsuit strippers (which is so funny to write, and yes I had a swim suit on underneath) and then ran up the 'helix' to the top of the parking garage to go into the hotel to get the needed cycling gear and change for the ride (doesn't that sound long???). I successfully changed into cycling-femme (from swimming-femme), and ran to my bike (after making the first of what was undoubtedly 110 bathroom stops for the day). The transition was a blur of wetsuits, sandwiches, cycling jerseys, and women running around trying to do an Ironman and I can hardly remember anything except that I kept thinking "omg, I got out of the water so fast!!!".

Riding down the second helix back to the road (what's the deal with these helix things anyway? Ground level transitions would be SO much easier...less dramatic sure, but EASIER...it IS an ironman people!) I quickly realized that my bike computer had died. The last information it gave me was '2.3' the speed that I had started walking with my bike in the transition. So I did what all self respecting Ironpeople do....I hit it again and again hoping to shock it into submission. Nothing. Dead. As a doornail.

The ride portion of the day was the longest portion of the day. It included 112 miles of gorgeous Wisconsin countryside, thousands of support crew/volunteers, more spectators than I could count and hills like I could have never predicted. I did know that the course was hilly and we spent a lot of our training on hills during the preparation for this event. But the relentlessness of the hills on the 80 mile loop was amazing. I have never worked so hard and had so much challenge and euphoria at the same time. We gained 6000 feet!! I'm telling you, it was awesome. The views were breathtaking, the cows were also, well, breathtaking (but in a very different way). It was amazing. 8:02 was my final bike time. This is two minutes over my goal, but a) I did stop at 89 porta-bathrooms and b) did I mention the hills???

The transition (T2) to the run was wacky. I got of my bike, hugged my Mom (yep I sure did!), and gulped back a little tear. I was whipped. But, after instructing the volunteer who took my bike to sell her, b/c I would certainly not ever be riding her again, I trotted into the T2 area to do my third costume change....runner-femme.

Runner-femme was more like walker-hope-I can-do this-femme for about 12 minutes. Then, suddenly I felt like running (which is insane....think about it...112 miles on a bike and I felt like going for a run???). So I did. I ran about 50% of the marathon portion of the race. At mile 12.9 I thought I was going to loose it. My body hurt, but more than that my brain was telling me to stop. My brain was playing for the other team and had no intention of letting me feel the euphoria of crossing the finish line. Thankfully I met a very nice man who gave some great advice. He provided instructions for how to keep the body moving....despite the tapes in my head. Yea for Doug! So I kept moving. Then I saw my family and friends...got lots of hugs and kisses and good energy and I was off. The second 13.1 was hard, challenging in a way that words cannot describe. I thought of nothing. My mind was a blank. The act of moving forward became a mechanical, singularly focused action. I did not think of the finish, only of the moment. What did I feel, what did I need, what was the time....the moment (whichever one it was) was all my brain could handle.

The food on the run course was 'awesome'. When I say 'food' I mean water, ice chips, wet sponges, gatoraid, cola, chicken broth, gel packs, bananas and oranges. When I say 'awesome' I mean that there was plenty of it and the volunteers would practically hold a glass for you while you drank if you needed it. Truly, w/o the broth and cola, I would have been a goner. The salt kept me from cramping (I've never had need for this before....but I had been out there for 12 hours when I started craving the broth), and the cola was really great for my upset tummy. Three cheers for 'gourmet' race food (I've gone too far with the description I know).

FInally, at about 11:10 I realized that I was going to make it. I wasn't willing to think about it, or able to think about it, prior to that moment. But in that second, it all became real. The emotion swelled up in my throat (which is exactly what you don't need after 16 hours and 10 minutes of aerobic exercise!!!), and I could hear the spectators screaming, encouraging and cheering for us....the back-of-the-packers! They waited for us!!! So I started to jog...even though it was uphill...I jogged around a corner and there were people in the street cheering me on....I rounded another corner and I could see the glow of the spot lights...then there they were....thousands of people screaming like I have never heard before. Then they started yelling my name. Me! My name (granted I was wearing it on the front of my shirt: 2030 JENNIFER). So I focused, and I ran...I ran into the lights...under one arch and into the IRONMAN FINISHER tape to the second arch....and I heard: JENNIFER JABSON: YOU ARE AN IRONMAN.
Total time : 16.22.53....my secret goal time that I never told anyone!

I did it. I finished. It was an out of body experience. It was an IN body experience. It was the most challenging, heart wrenching, exhilarating, joyful, powerful, incredible, HARD, empowering experience of my life. I am unable to adequately articulate the range of emotions, the depth of emotions, or the feeling that comes when the boundaries of the body and the mind blur to become one.

As I have said before, thank you. Thank you for your encouragement and support all year in this process. I felt each of you out there with me at one point or another on race day. I called on your encouraging words, and laughed at your jokes. Sometimes I pretended that you were watching me from the W Coast....and as it turns out some of you where (props to you!!!!). I could not have made this journey on my own. You helped me get there and I am deeply and sincerely grateful for your contributions. From my perspective there is only one thing left to say: when is the next one? :) I'm kidding...sort of. But really:

I am an Ironman.

Iron-Eve

2008-09-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

It is the eve of the Ironman and we have busily been trying to get all our gear in the right bag, placed in the right space, all while trying to predict the weather. I, for one, am a nervous nelly. I think race day is going to be super fun....but right now, nervous nelly.

I see all these fabulous bodies, fancy bikes, latest equipment...and it is a bit intimidating. But, what I have learned about these races (from watching Meg) is that this race is quite the equalizer. Fancy equipment only gets you so far, particularly if you bought all the gear instead of training. I'll quit being snarky. It is intimidating to see 2200 athletes all ready to take this on for one reason or another...the stories I think might be the most interesting part.

I don't have much to say....because I'm actually having a bit of an out-of-body experience. I'm doing this because I used to think it was the most physically impossible thing a person could do. I used to think that about marathons too...that is what got me into my first and second marathons. The learning from these events is definitely more emotional and mental than physical...at least for me. Although, this go around, I am having some incredible physical learning, such as...one can train 2-8 hours a day and gain weight....and it isn't the "fault" of the athlete. It could be cortisol or leptin or adrenal difficulties. I am learning that I am not just feeling a bit bizarre and concerned about my body for no reason. I am learning that I am no a morally corrupt person because I haven't lost weight in this process...in fact I've gained weight...with good medical reason.

Now, I am struggling with the fact that I have gained weight....because I have the self-hatred that rears its ugly head and growls mightily with every pound. I have that misogynist crap I referred to back in the early days of the blog. And yet, I have visited an MD (Dr. Emily Cooper at Seattle Performance Medicine) that is going to work with me as she has with other athletes to re-balance and re-calibrate my body so that it deals with food properly.

People, my visit to SPM was the first time in my medical experience that I sat in a doctor's office and felt met around the experience of my body, my weight, the seemingly inconsistent weight gain with my watching and counting of calories and extreme exercise. I can't wait to get back and get this all figured out. Stress, cortisol, trauma, extreme exercise....all making my body feel like it needs to hold onto everything I put in it....regardless of what that is.

Anyway, all of this is on my mind on the eve of the Ironman because I am still struggling with feeling like I belong here...that I am an athlete (though I have been one my whole life).....simply because I have more weight on my body than I'd like.

Well, tomorrow, I will be in my body, swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, and run (shuffle) 26.2 and I will be an ironman or ironperson or ironlady. I will work on letting it in.

going off the grid

2008-09-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is it. We are going off the grid. We have checked in all our gear, we have napped, we have had a family/team meeting (three cheers for everyone who drove and flew out to be here!) and we are now, going off the grid. I will not be on line until Monday or more likely Tuesday but wanted to update you quickly on our status.

We are all stable. We are all nervous and have butterflies in our bellies (NOT A SURPRISE!). But we all also feel eager to get out there and get this show on the road. It's time to rumble, let's get this party started!!!!

The weather is a bit temperamental, we have been on pins and needles all week as the forecast flips between sun and thunderstorms. Currently it seems that we will have sun and clear skies until 3:00 and then possible scattered showers until midnight. We are happy with this outcome and pleased that the temps will not be over 75 degrees.

So, thanks again for everything. Couldn't do this without you, your great jokes, love, laughter, understanding, wine, food, and encouragement. This is what it's all about. I can't wait to blog about all of the trials and joys of race day. Inparticular I cannot wait to write about what it feels like to hear "Jennifer, you ARE an Ironman'". Hugs all around!!!!!

GO IRONMAN!!!!!!!!!!

Ironman or Bust

2008-09-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends!!!!
The whole team has been in Madison since the late Tuesday evening. Wednesday we drove the bike course and as promised it is relentlessly hilly, but optimistically 'doable'. I have come to think that the ride will be challenging, but not outside of my ability. I expect to be tired, I expect to use four-letter words (some starting with 'f'), and I expect to be exhilarated and delighted. So, as is promised by many veterans, I will likely experience a full and wide range of emotions on race day! :)

Today we swam the course (easy-peezy....what's 2.4 miles anyway??) and then Trina and Jen rode hills (not me Jen, the other Jen....it's not as confusing as it sounds) on the bike course. Again, this confirmed for all of us that we are ready for the beating the rolling Mid West hills promise. BRING IT! We also walked through the finish shoot at the end...OMG, I can't wait to be there SUnday night!!!! I hope to cross around 11:30 pm my time (9:30 on the W. coast).

Tomorrow we will check in our bags for each of the transitions. That's a feat in and of itself. It'll be nice to have everything in. Sunday morning we will get up at 3:30 a.m. and catch a shuttle at 4:30. Body marking at 5:00 and in the water by 6:30. WHOOHOOO!

So far the biggest challenge are my nerves. My head gets away from me and I'm focusing my energy on being in the moment. I must not think about 'what if's' or I find myself getting the dreaded DNF (did not finish)...which of course WILL NOT happen! :) It's going to be a long day of grinding and going deep inside to pull out all that 'GI JEN' intensity that I dig into....but it's also going to be INCREDIBLE.

On a lighter note, the course is BEAUTIFUL and the community support so far is next to none...it's really top shelf. I'm so impressed and honored. THere are lots of cows on the ride (midwest farm country, go figure) so many call the race IMOO....funny. Today I tried to get some pics of the countryside that I will post in the coming week so that you can see how pretty it really is here.

I will not likely post again until Tuesday....but thank you all for your support, your texts, your emails and your encouragement. I will be drawing on all of your good wishes and positive energy on Sunday.....LOVE YOU ALL!

big hugs!
jennifer

Bib #'s are posted!

2008-08-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Are bib numbers are posted! So, you should be able to track us on race day.
Queercorn/Meg B. is #2196
Cookiemonster/Jen S is #2197

Now, let's just pause for a minute....how the heck did we get numbers right next to each other??? We registered at totally different times and are in different categories....Jen is in the collegiate athlete division. Weird.

Sassy-femme/Jen J. is #2030
Total T/Trina is #2207

So, come race day track our progress at www.ironman.com

Queercorn and Cookie the Monster's Race Plan

2008-08-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

We are nearly there. We have shipped our bikes and we can't remember what day it is and we are counting down the workouts.

Saturday, August 30: Run 10 miles.

Sunday, August 31: Double spin class. Pack for Madison.

Monday, Sept. 1: Swim 45 minutes.

Tuesday, Sept. 2: Fly to Chicago. Drive to Madison. Check in at the Candlewood Suites.

Wednesday, Sept. 3: Jog 3 miles. Drive out to the bike course and drive it. Nap. Eat well. Hydrate. Watch movies and dumb tv (like John and Kate + 8). Hang out with the McJabneys (jennifer and trina).

Thursday, Sept. 4: Pick up packet 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Pick up bikes and bags at 1 p.m. Swim one loop of course, if possible. Check out the helix and transitions areas. Check out the merchandising areas. Start organizing transition and special needs bags. T1, T2, Bike Special Needs, Run Special Needs. Nap. Hydrate. Eat Pagliai's Pizza brought to us from Iowa City. Go to the Great Dane Brewery. Email Pig a birthday card. Email people our bib numbers so they can track us on race day. Go back out to bike course, with Tula, Pepper, et. al and ride a couple of hills.

Friday, Sept. 5: Go to race site at 8 a.m. for Gatorade bag check and practice swim, if we are not able to swim on Thursday. Try to get out of mandatory athlete meeting or attend from 7:30-8:30 p.m. If we go to mandatory meeting, have family dinner prior to meeting. Nap. Hydrate. Plan parking for Sunday. Have family pizza dinner and pass out secret surprises.

Saturday, Sept. 6: 10-3 p.m. bike and transition gear check-in. BIKES: to Monona Terrace Parking lot level 4. SWIM TO BIKE BAGS: Ballroom C & D. BIKE TO RUN BAGS: Hall of Ideas Room G & J. Check and re-check special needs bags which we take to course on day of race. NO NAPPING. Hydrate. Take warm bath and klonapin and get in bed at 7 p.m. to be asleep by 8 p.m.

RACE DAY~Sunday, Sept. 7:
3:30 a.m. awaken. Eat two eggs and two pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam. Have a coffee with cream (jen but not meg). Drink 1/2 liter of H2O and 1/2 liter of nuun or gatorade. Meg will wake & feed Lucy in order to drain the boobs as much as possible. Parents are getting Lucy ready for the day and dealing with all her needs other than the boobie feed. Get dressed: bathing suit, sweats or shorts, t-shirt, chacos, baseball hat.

4:30 a.m. leave.

5 a.m.: Body marking. Check bikes (tires, computer, cookie/grover, tubes, pumps, food on bike). Put Friction Zone samples on bikes. Count racks, find landmarks to make sure we can find our bikes after the swim. Agree on place to meet when ready to head out on bike course. Meg will feed Lucy again if able. Head to swim start by 6am. Put on wetsuits and liberally apply Friction Zone to rub areas (neck, inner arms, lats). Mark our caps and feet with hot pink sharpies so we can detect each other in the water, maybe. Kiss family good bye!

6:30 a.m. Enter water for the deep water start

7 a.m. mass swim start

Swim:
This picture was taken on IMMoo race day 2007...while my friends were trying to sign me up...didn't get in! Later got in through collegiate divison. The lesson of this story is, don't go snorkeling on sign up day!

Seed ourselves midpack-frontish on inside if possible. Ask people around us their time predictions to get a sense of if we are where we should be to avoid as much running over/being run over as we can. Pee in my wetsuit. Relax and float. Avoid using energy as much as can. Get goggles situated and not leaking. Jen-put in earplugs & nose clip. Visualize the swim ahead of us. Sight as needed to stay on course. Glide, stay long, stay in our bodies and our swims. Navigate as can without wasting energy. Remember the goal of the swim is to swim as swiftly as we can while remaining efficient, very TI like. Dedicating the swim to Meghan in hopes that her fish-like qualities assist us. Remember to draft if we can. Agree to not worry about each other during the swim, but find each other at transition. Remember that body contact is not personal, it is inevitable. Try and pee in water at end of swim. At finish, cross mat, let helpers help us and strippers strip us (hee hee). Walk/run in shame up helix in bathing suit and hope that none of the 10,000 spectators see us. Be invisible.

Finish strong goal: 1:25:00
Realistic goal: 1:15:00
Pie in the sky goal: 1:10:00

Meg swim start IM CDA 2006

T1:
Dry off. Put on shorts with Friction Zone on the bits. Put on sports bra, jersey, gloves, socks, shoes, helmet, sunglasses. Put in eye drops. If cold, wear dumb STP jacket that can be tossed when warmed up. Make sure number is in the correct placement and secured. Eat PB& J, drink gatorade/nuun. Pee if not able to at end of swim. Meet each other at designated spot and wait if the other one is not there. If other person is not there in 30 minutes then leave.

Goal: 7-9 minutes.

Bike:
Remember MECCA, RAGBRAI, Vashon Island and STP! Remember on tail out and first lap to be solid, but reigning ourselves in so that second lap and tail back we have energy to step it up (based on advice of IMMoo veterans). We want to feel as if we are going strong and solid, but we could go faster and that faster would not be a sprint. Breathe! Take in the scenery, talk to the animals, and definitely say, "hi cows!" Enjoy the ride, remembering that biking in the country is fun.

Ride Breakdown: The ride is a 17 mile tail, 2 loops, and a tail back to town. Loop goes through 3 towns and the towns 13 miles apart. 4 tough hills (per jillyfish, an IMMoo veteran) all coming between 2nd and 3rd town (Cross Plains to Verona). It seems the course has a great way to break it down mentally. To quote jillyfish, "I think about it as 17 miles to the loop (easily do-able in my head), 13 miles to each town, and 13 miles to each town again, and 17 back to Madison--voila, you are done!" Dedicating the hills to Jennifer and Trina who rode up Mt. St. Helen's with us after Meg told them it "wasn't very hilly." It is a volcano after all. Try not to stop until we have completed the first loop (coordinate with special needs stop and bathrooms). Meg will need to express milk during bathroom stops. Because, nothing says fun like hand expressing milk into a Honeybucket (port-a-potty) urinal.

If we get flats or have mechanical issues, we will remain calm, only freak out a bit, and then force ourselves to belly-laugh to break the tension...after all this really is a silly overly-privileged race. Then we will get on with it and fix the whatever and get back on the course and if we can't, we will throw our bikes away and start drinking. Check time after first loop. Pick up special needs bags to replace food, etc. Eat and drink regularly (every 15-30 minutes). Refill with Gatorade/fluids as needed at aid stations. Get a banana if offered.

Meg is eating: margarita salt cliff blocks, peanut butter filled pretzels, fig newtons, nature's path peanut butter energy bars, chocolate Gu, PB&J. Drinking: H2O from camelback; bottle of nuun.

Jen is eating: snausages, PB&J, peanut butter filled pretzels, fig newtons, power bars, margarita salt cliff blocks, cola cliff blocks, creamsicle Gu. Drinking: H2O from camelback; bottle of gatorade. Jen is also taking endurolytes, 1-3 per hour if hot.

Remember we are a team, doing this together to finish together. We have done a lot of long, hard hilly rides together with far less training and much more baggage (physical not emotional). For instance, 18% grades in Connecticut, the hilliest state in the union that no one knows about. Or, 204 miles in one day when no one should even ride more than 70 miles ever. Or, finally, 5200 feet elevation gain in 52 miles of riding...that is just wrong. Be honest with each other re: our needs when we know them, not after we have buried them for miles and miles. Consciously check-in, encourage each other, and respect each other's process and pacing. As a team, use our individual strengths (meg-endurance and consistent pacing over time; jen-strong at beginning and pushes our limits to reach our potential) to make us stronger and complete the course with energy left for the run. Dedicating the second lap and home-stretch to each other because we always get each other through the tough rides.

Spin it out the last 2-3 miles to get legs ready for run. Let helpers take bike to wherever they take it.

Finish strong goal: 7:30:00
Realistic goal: 7:15:00
Pie in the sky goal: 6:50:00

T2:
Change all clothing because really, we're doing this thing in 14 hours-ish...no need to wear the same sweaty, salty, crusty outfit all day. Put on run shorts (2), new bra, new shirt, new socks, and running shoes, and visor. Ditch sunglasses unless glaring. Re-apply friction zone to: underarms, under boobs, around belly button, around bra straps, inner thighs, feet. Drink nuun/gatorade. Put heat patches on jen's low back. Take endurolytes, pepto-bismol, ibuprofen and compazine (in hopes of warding off all inner evilness). Eat either PB&J (if tolerable) or Gu. Make sure number is properly placed and secured. Hoot and holler for making the bike cut-off. Whoo hoo. Exit.

Goal: 5 minutes

Run:
Walk for the first 10 minutes. Make a plan for how long we can run at that point; aim for 20 minutes. Then begin 10 minute "Alternating Ownership Chunks"- a little game we have come up with to break down the run; e.g. meg says "we shall run for 7 minutes and walk for 3." The next 10 minutes is jen's choice of run-walk breakdown. Remember Admiral and Oregon Street, those bitchy hills! Breathe and settle in. Walk through all aid stations every 1-2 miles. Eat bites of something at every aid station. Alternate gatorade and H2O. Dedicate the first lap of the run to Pig, Petey, Jeannette and Brooke for watching Lucy so we could shuffle along Alki. Dedicate the second lap to Kelsey, Chris, Erica, and Dayna for watching Lucy, thinking Jen is pretty, and being the fabu queer "kids" that they are. Enjoy the spectators and volunteers (remembering to always thank them). Talk with other racers and encourage them as needed and appropriate. Soak in the sounds of the finish approach (about a 1 mile out). Reflect on our journey, stay upright, watch footing, begin celebration, stay present and near each other. Only speed through the shoot if there is a chance of coming in at sub-14 or sub-15 or sub-17 for that matter. Otherwise, enjoy the shoot, the crowd, our families, and listen for our ironic announcements, "Meg and Jen you are Ironmen!" Grab hands and hoot and holler with our joined hands waving above our heads and cross finish line (no skipping).

Finish strong goal: 5:30:00
Realistic goal: 5:00:00
Pie in the sky goal: 4:45:00

Overall race goal:
Finish strong goal: 14:38:00
Realistic goal: 13:43:00
Pie in the sky goal: 12:58:00

Bottom line goal: Sub 17:00:00

This entire race is dedicated to our families: Mary, Charlie, Doug, Michelle, Sam, Everett, Number 3, Elise, Jim, Robert, Aline, Pig, and Petey. Without your support (financial, emotional, lucy-watching, house-hold running, and just putting up with us) we absolutely could not have done this. We love you all and are deeply grateful. Thank you.

A big fat thank you to our training partners and friends, Jennifer and Trina. Without Alone-Plus...we would just have been doing this alone! You have both demonstrated courage, strength, and trust in the process, each other, and us in remarkable ways.

And to Lucy, our fabulous, amazing, awesome, funny, sweet, strong, adorable, independent, sociable baby. Thank you for being exactly who you are and who you will become. You rock and we love you.

To our dogs, Zia and Otter, we promise a trip to the dog park in your very near future. Really, we promise, seriously, we mean it this time.

And, finally to each other: "You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." Brian Andreas

Iron Meg, IM CDA 2006 finish

Tapering

2008-08-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings all! I've learned over the last few days that more people than I knew have been following this blog. Thank you. It's been an amazing journey, though seemingly impossible at times, always amazing. All of your support, your kind words, your haiku (yes we received supportive poetry!), your laughter, your massages, your love and your friendship, your food, and your emergency vehicles helped me get here. Without your undying support and encouragement this would have been certainly impossible. It is a gift to share the training experiences with you and it is an honor to carry a piece of each of you with me as I take on this big day.

Yesterday I shipped Tula and Pepper (jennifer and trina's) bikes to WI. It was surreal. I have spent so much time on Tula this season that I have developed something of a relationship with her (don't laugh....more than a 1000 miles on her this year means something!). :) But it was also the greatest sign that this journey is about to come to its pinnacle. We are near the apex of this fantastic, exhausting, transformative adventure. I can hardly believe it.

For those of you who are interested, you can track our race day progress 'live' online the day of the race (Sunday, Sept 7, start time: 07:00 a.m.). The first link below are the instructions, the second link is the website that you will use on race day to track our progress. We promise to have picture albums posted ASAP after race day.
Link 1: http://ironman.com/ironmanlive/racedaycoverage/livetrackinginfo
Link 2: http://ironman.com/events/ironman/wisconsin

Here are a few more great videos about Ironman. The first is about women at Ironman and the 2nd and 3rd capture the Ironman spirit. Maybe you'll be inspired to join us next year. HOOYAH!

Thank you again for your support and encouragement!!!
Love you all!!!

coming full circle

2008-08-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of personal victory. Many moons ago Trina and I had our first 'long' (a ridiculous term by our current measures) ride with the Ironmamas. It was a cool, gray NW day about six months ago. We met at our house in Eugene and rode 25 miles of hills. At the time the burning in my quads and chest were a signal that I either a) might die soon or b) was in for a journey like no other. The ride was the most difficult I had experienced to date at that time (this was prior to our fun ride to Mt St Helens). It was hard, inspiring and excellent foreshadowing. At the time the Tour deBlast was not on my radar and I had no concept of what training for Ironman was really about. There truly is bliss in naiveté.

Fast forward six months of hard cycling, learning how to swim further than 10 laps (seriously!) and many many miles of running....today Trina and I decided that for our last ride before shipping the bikes to Wisconsin, we should revisit the hills that caused us so much anguish so many months ago. And so we rode. We were both hesitant; initially feeling nervous and fearful that we would not detect any changes in our level of fitness or confidence in climbing. But two hills in we were both astonished and delighted that we were riding like what we call 'real' cyclists! And, as if that wasn't enough to whoop-it-up about, we were having...get this....wait for it....fun. Can you imagine? A challenging ride was finally FUN for us! We were THRILLED! We are still thrilled. In fact if you heard a distant whooping sound around 6:00 tonight, that was us celebrating our accomplishments this season. Ironman BRING IT ON!

Tomorrow I will take the bikes to Seattle for shipping to the race. We are excited and nervous, but we also feel ready. The ride today was exactly what we needed to boost our confidence and trust in the training. We did the work. Now, let's make this Ironman something to write home about!!!!!

2 wet suits, many open water swims, and 1000's of laps: unfathomable

two bikes, 100's of gel packs, four new tires and more hills than I knew was possible: breathtaking

four pairs of running shoes, two running skirts, several scary GI moments and 100's of miles on the Eugene running trails: indescribable

Completing the race and hearing them announce 'you are an ironman': PRICELESS.

JJ's Race Day Plan

2008-08-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

13 Days until the big day. In an effort to visualize my successful Ironman I've drafted a plan...those of you who know me are not surprised I am sure. :) Planning and visualizing are the best way I know to make my dreams real....so here we go.

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement, support and love these last long months. Without you I would be a goner. Love you bunches and bunches.

Race Day Goals

Race Day: September 07, 2008

3:30 a.m.

· Have one cup of black coffee and an 8 oz glass of water.

· Do morning rituals to prepare physically and emotionally for the big day. Write if necessary, shower if desired, music if desired.

· LAUGH from the belly twice… seriously, it’s required.

4:30 a.m.

· Load car with any equipment or goods that I’m taking to the event site

· Make oatmeal with flax seeds, cranberries and almonds with nonfat milk and toast.

4:45 a.m. Eat oatmeal, etc!!!

5:00 a.m. drive to event site with Trina and the Ironmamas

5:30 a.m. Check bike, love bike, hug bike, whisper sweet nothings to the bike. Zero out computer.

6:00 a.m. bathrooms (again)

6:20 a.m. wet suit on. Use inhaler.

· Get in the water, warm up, make friends with the water and visualize the journey ahead.

· Remember, you can’t rush time. Settle in.

6:30 a.m. wave to Mom and Poppy. Hug Trina, Jen and Meg.

6:40 a.m. site buoy’s and keep goals in mind.

6:45 a.m. find spot in water near the back and breathe from the belly.

· Visualize working with time. Trust the training.

· Don’t be too serious, smile.

· Remember the blessing that IS this experience.

· Set race watch

7:00 a.m. START

Swim

Time goals

Pie in the sky: 1:30

Realistic: 1:35

Expected: 1:40

Lap 1: Start race watch. Dedicate the first lap to Trina who has undoubtedly demonstrated the most courage of anyone you have ever known. Find your rhythm in the water. Site the buoy’s every 8 strokes and stay near someone. Swim wide around the first turn to keep from getting in the pile up. Enjoy the feeling of the water and seeing the sky when you breathe. Settle.

Lap 2: Dedicate the second lap to Senna who has been an amazing source of support for you in this process and has expressed a desire to swim with confidence someday. Accept water if it’s offered at the turn, smile, be delighted that you’re half way. Swim wide around the buoy again and settle into the second lap. Be proud of yourself. End swim and smile. Allow the volunteers to assist you out of the water and thank each one as you run to the strippers (giggle about that…strippers). Thank the strippers…as one always should.

TIME GOAL: 11:00 minutes

When crossing the pad hit ‘lap’ on watch. Run to and up the helix being mindful of feet and gear. Get swim cap off, goggles off and ear plugs out. Smile….you’re going for the ride of your life.

At transition, get cycling shorts on, socks on, shoes on, arm warmers on, glasses, helmet on, camelbak on, drink. Gel. Drink. Sunscreen.

Trot to bike.

Get bike.

Hit ‘lap’ on watch...let out a lil' whoo-hoo.

Ride. Settle.

Bike

Time Goals

Pie in the sky: 7: 12

Realistic: 7:30

Expected: 7:50-8:00

First Tail: Drink and eat a full powerbar during the first tail. Settle in and get ‘comfy’. Be happy that you made the swim cut off and enjoy this part of the ride…it’s the warm up! Remember you can’t rush time. Settle in and let it soak in; it’s an Ironman. Dedicate this first tail to Lois D and Becky F for always being our emergency contacts and for picking us up when we need it.

Loop 1: Dedicate this loop to Aunt Chipper and her fight against breast cancer….she is watching out for you and is so proud of your strength. Eat 1/2 bar (four bites) every thirty minutes with fluid. This is fuel and prep for the run. Don’t forget to eat. Don’t rush time. Settle into the rhythm of the road, look at the scenery and smell the air. Accept the hills when they come and fly down the down hills. Smile at the spectators and stop for fluid and bathroom breaks as needed. Be mindful of neck and shoulders, stretch when possible, use aero bars as much as possible.

Loop 2: Prepare mentally for second round of hills. Push harder than first time around and watch heart rate. Don’t blow out legs, but push. Smile at spectators. Thank volunteers. Dedicate this loop to Jen and Meg who have been the most phenomenal training partners on the earth. Without their wisdom and encouragement this would be impossible, they always help us keep on pushing. Send them positive, strong thoughts. Keep eating. At mile 75 switch to gels. Eat one gel every 30 minutes with fluid. Drink as often as you want….but as much as possible. Stop to pee if necessary, stretch neck and hips quickly if you have to wait in line.

End Tail: Dedicate this tail to Verna who has been so understanding and encouraging throughout the year of training. Celebrate your body. You have completed the event you feared most. Don’t stop pushing these last 16 miles, but enjoy the crowds. Think about T2 and the helix. Continue with gels and hydration.

Hit ‘lap’ on watch

TIME GOAL: 9:00 minutes

Focus on neck and back…stretch neck, back and hips. Change shorts, change shirt if needed, put bandanna on, glasses, inhaler(??), Gels, alterra on, number belt on, change socks if needed, orthotics into running shoes, shoes on, sunscreen, joke. Thank volunteers.

Run

Time Goals:

Pie in the sky: 5:00

Realistic: 5:30

Expected: 6:00

Loop 1: Hit ‘lap’ on watch. Dedicate this loop to Lisa who has been an incredible friend and a treasure for laughter…she will complete her first marathon in the near future. Breathe deeply. You made the cut off and you’re running the marathon. Walk for the first mile to adjust legs and thoughts to the new pace. Don’t rush time. Enjoy the scenery. Pee and stretch as necessary, hydrate. Take gels every 45 minutes.

Loop 2: Dedicate this loop to Mom, one truly strong, beautiful, phenomenal, inspiring woman. Enjoy this loop, breathe deeply. Continue to fuel and don’t let your body convince you that you can’t do it. You can do it. YOU ARE DOING IT. Thank all the volunteers and cheer for the spectators who are still out. Drink anything you can get your hands on. Savor the last .25, enjoy the feeling, and let it swell in your throat and fill your heart. Revel in the feeling that comes from meeting a challenge head on, celebrate and thank your body for its hard work.

Jennifer, you are an Ironman.

The last few.....

2008-08-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been on a roller coaster ride that just seems to go on and on forever? Have you ever taken a road trip and the last 20 miles feel more like 110 miles? That's how I feel about training. It feels like it is never actually going to end!!

Intellectually I want to be digging into this time, taking all I can from these final days of preparation. But you see, I am not an athlete. I am not trained in the fine art of competition. I always 'race' to finish. I 'race' for the experience of going the distance. My euphoric thrill comes from meeting the challenge head on, getting across the finish line and knowing that I did it, in my time. My thrill does NOT come from winning, placing or being an age-grouper. As such, emotionally I want to be done preparing. These last few midweek workouts are so hard. Not b/c the distance is long or difficult, but b/c I'm tired. That's it, I'm tired. I have no other excuse, I just don't feel like training. I am excited to go, I am excited to get in the game, I'm excited about the event. I am not excited about my midweek workouts. I am ready to go on vacation!

These next few days and week of preparation are tough. I just want to pack my stuff and fly out of here. The anticipation is killing me! All I can think about is packing lists, travel preparation, race day plans, agendas for the week in Madison and having some fun. Do I really have to keep training? I know, I know. I'm heading out for my morning run.

Wierdo in Lane 3

2008-08-19T15:14:00.001-07:00

Ok, first let me say that really all I feel like doing is swimming. Well, that is not true. In the realm of exercise, all I want to do is swim. All I really want to do in 'real life' is sleep, read, or eat. Preferably with Jen close by.

That being said. Men, boys....WTF??? I say this not because I think men are bad. I say this because it is always ONLY men doing wierd things in the pool. Some past examples are:
1). Swimming underwater: This is not just swimming underwater to see how far you can go before needing to take a breath. Or practicing breath control. This is just plain doing your full lap under water. For no apparent reason. Perhaps saving space? Like a double decker lane of sorts.
2). Cannonballs: Yes, actual cannonballs as a method of entry in to the lap pool. Enough said.
3). Water Murderer: Dude, harder is not better. You are splashing people 3 lanes away. Knock it off. You are scaring me. Find a better avenue for your rage. The water is your friend. Really. It goes much easier if you don't trying to mutilate it.
4). Equipment Overload: Hey you....yeah, you with the hand paddles AND fins. Just swim already. What are you actually trying to do? Looks like compensation to me. Just saying....
5). Testosterone Guy: Yes, I swim faster than you. With less effort. Get over it. I am on to you and all the ways you try to look tougher than me. It isn't working. If you'd spend less time resting on the wall trying to look like you've been swimming hard and more time actually swimming maybe you'd catch me. But with that stroke, unlikely. I'm still gonna out swim you day after day. And when I'm done...I'll move on along to my real workout for the day.
6). "I don't see you" Guy: Listen pal. You don't own the pool. Or even your lane. I get that as a white guy you get to go through the world as if you own it...but this pool here is the equalizer. And when I walk up to split the lane I expect you to do something other than pretend to not see me. Such as move over so I can get on to the business of outswimming you.

As you can tell....swimming is not for the faint of heart. One of my favorite parts of our new gym is that, while I still contend with the above, I don't have to also have 5-6 people to a lane....most of which don't know how to swim or what lane to be in. (i.e. "hey you side-stroking with dry hair...get OUT of the fast lane." Or, "deep water bobbing is NOT part of lap swim pal."). I generally have a lane all to myself and if I don't, I only have to share with one other swimmer. This truly is a swimmer's dream lap swim. So, I'm really not complaining. Much.

But, yesterday a guy might have just topped it. Well, maybe not the cannonball...that was truly a once in a lifetime event, but this was certainly one for the books. Jen, Ms.Cookiemonster, hates the breaststrokers. Now, I personally think some of that is because she isn't a particularly proficient breaststroker herself. I happen to like the breaststroke. Though, I admit, when sharing a lane with someone who is breastroking you invariably get kicked. Not good lane manners. However, this isn't her peeve. Her peeve is more with men breaststroking and more specifically men in small suits breaststroking. Really, no one needs to be swimming behind that. I usually just snort to myself a bitchy sounding "aw, come on man" and let it go and advert my eyes. However, yesterday a guy gets in my lane. No problem. I was a bit skeeved out by his middle age paunch and longish curly greasy hair, but put it aside. We split the lane. I let it slide when he was doing breaststroke. At least he didn't kick me I said to myself. It could be worse. Far worse. If this swim was a Lifetime Original Movie there would be some significant foreshadowing music of what *might* come. I saw him at the other end of the pool stretching and ignored it. Lots of people stretch- no problem. And then things start to unravel. As I'm approaching the wall (I'm swimming on the right), I see him, on the left, facing the wall and stretching his leg. By putting his left foot on the edge of the pool and hunkering over and stretching his ?? Hamstring?? I don't know. Holy crap...this man, in his little shorts, is spreading his leg against my wall in my lane. Why? Why is this necessary? But, being the Ironmama that I am, I manage to let this go because I'm just *sure* common decency will win out and he won't decide to stretch my direction. A few more laps done and he is still stretching that same side and looking quite awkward. Is he stuck? And why is he stretching so long in this cold pool anyway? Has he forgotten that a hot tub is mere yards away from him? And that heat is better for stretching? And then....yes, you guessed it....I'm motoring in and he begins to stretch--his right leg. Up on the side of the pool. Toes encroached on my half. Which means he is spread eagle, in his short shorts, facing me. Why? WHY? WHY? would he think this is ok???

So, men, boys....seriously? Get it together in the pool. Quit doing such wierd and bizarre stuff. And move aside...there is an Ironmama passing you by.

There is a reason for everything....

2008-08-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

This morning T and I got up promptly at 5:00 a.m. to prepare for our 100 mile ride. We had our scheduled breakfasts, watch the morning light break on the dark horizon, and packed our bikes and packs with the goods needed for a successful long ride. All the while I kept having that feeling; the nagging feeling that this training has taught me again and again to trust. But I said nothing. Then, on the short car ride (bikes neatly strapped the back of our darling Prius) to the start of our long ride I finally confessed my feelings to T. We contemplated, talked it through, but in the end decided to ride anyway.

The day was beautiful, though it is a scorcher. The temps were predicted to reach high 90's by noon and god only knows how much hotter after that. About 15 miles into our ride I sort of broke down. I've been sick all week, and the cold has slowly made its way to my weakest link: my lungs. So after 8 rolling hills and two nasty climbs I had some serious doubts about my psychological and physical ability to hold it together for the day. Again, I confessed my feelings to my sweet lady. We talked it through every which-way possible and ultimately decided that we were desperate for a way out of today's ride. Both because of my being under the weather but also because we felt like our bodies were begging for a chance to recover. So, we rode back to the car racking up only 30 short miles (only now, at this insane stage of training does '30 miles' seem short).

On our drive back to the house I was still not feeling 'right'. Like we had made this decision, but I continued to worry that it would significantly undermine our ability to complete our race in 3 weeks. Nevertheless, we continued driving home. Then, in the middle of a busy road there was a beautiful yellow lab, wandering, lost. Two cars and a bus almost hit her and I hopped out of my own still moving vehicle to rescue her. Initially I started to run after her, but still in my cycling shoes, running was a poor idea. So I stopped and simply yelled 'hey, you!'. The sweet pup immediately turned and looked with a look that said,'really? me?' Then she bolted towards me smiling all the way. I have a habit of finding lost dogs and returning them to their homes (really, I almost always have a leash and treats handy), so usually there is a leash or pseudo leash in the car for such occasions. We leashed her up and took her to the nearby shelter. When we arrived the staff knew exactly who she was....apparently her owner doesn't do a good job keeping her fenced and she gets regularly...BOOO on that! Anyway, she was the sweetest pup and it was a treasure to help her get to safety. And to think....if we hadn't stopped riding and headed home early...well... sweet lil' Sandy might not have made it home so easily. I guess there is a reason for everything.

Now that we are home, I'm making yummy brunch, T is cleaning the car and we both feel so happy and relieved to be doing 'real life' activities that have been painfully absent from our lives for many, many, many weeks. I guess if I don't complete Ironman b/c of my choices today at least I'll have my health...psychologically and physically and that really is everything. And, well, it feels pretty neat to have met Sandy, the sweet yellow lab from Greenhill Rd. Oh, and we'll have legs for our 20 mile run tomorrow. I'm sure that will be better!!! :)

Baristas are not neutral

2008-08-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I totally *heart* baristas? Of course living in Seattle if I didn't love them, I'd be reducing my community-love options by about 60%, so it is rather a necessity of life here. That said, I choose to love baristas. It is not about the coffee...though coffee does rock. My love is deeper than the bean....my love is about the art of barista-ness.

On the surface one might think that being a coffee barista is simply about the taking of orders and the delivering of the coffee service. Wrong! Being a barista is much more complex and sophisticated than all that. A barista must not only take the order and serve the coffee, but in doing so said barista is interacting with people in need. I'm again, not talking about the coffee. Sure, we all WANT the coffee....who doesn't want the coffee? The needs brought into a coffee house by the masses of mocha drinkers are plentiful and unspoken. The barista must intuit these needs...and the barista as artiste and humanitarian does just that.

This morning, for instance, I went into Cafe on the Ave..because I love their coffee, but I heart one particular barista who talks with me every time I get my 16 oz. iced americano with room. I didn't walk up to the cashier and say, "i'd love a 16 oz. iced americano, some compassion, and a little inspiration." No, I just order the coffee....and a cookie. Anyway, this particular barista asked about my weekend. You know how people ask about your weekend in the elevator or other moments when we feel awkward and don't know what to say? Well, this wasn't what she was doing. Now maybe she didn't really care what I did this weekend...but in true barista artiste form....she really seemed like she cared. So, I actually answered.

I am not a big fan of small talk and even a smaller fan of big talk about myself...so usually, I just mumble something about being busy or not remembering what I did and move along. Today, I was in need of connection, to myself, to her, to the world...to something...and my barista friend in her truly most soothing and therapeutic tone asked me about my weekend. So, I shared that my partner and I are training for an Ironman so we biked super far and ran 19 miles. She did the low whistle that people do when you tell them you are doing an Ironman and said, "wow, that's great." I heard this as "wow, you are ok." And it was just the message I needed from the world this morning...that I'm ok.

But, the interaction didn't end there. 16 oz. iced americano already in hand, she could have just turned her attention to the next coffee order, but she asked "when is it?" I heard, "you look like you are having a tough time. you are ok. when is it?" Projection? Transference? I don't care what you call it...my barista friend was meeting this unspoken need.

"September 7th," I replied. She said, "Oh, that gives me goosebumps. How exciting." I heard, "oh, that gives me goosebumps. how exciting." She reminded me of my own excitement about the event and how events like the ironman are inspiring for others. In that moment I remembered how I watched the ironman on television when I was a tweenager and how I thought it was impossible for me to do such a thing...even as I longed to be one of those athletes. I remembered Julie Moss ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRB1p89k7_I ) running, walking, stumbling, and finally crawling across the finish line. I remembered how I cried then and how I cried two nights ago when I watched that finish again on youtube. Sassy Femme wrote about this today...it is not the ability of a human to swim, bike, and run that makes me cry, rather it is the love, spirit, and connection to life that is made visible in these moments.

I mean really, who gives a hoot if I, Cookie the Monster, can swim, bike, and run? That really isn't the point. The point is about connecting to something within myself and others that isn't simply physical or mental...but really is a demonstration of what can be felt and done...and not by just the individual. In fact, naming ironman an individual endeavor completely obscures the privilege surrounding most of the athletes participating. Queer Corn and I are privileged with family who love and watch our little girl while we train. We are privileged with enough economic resource to join a gym, buy nice bikes, get good running shoes, go to physical therapy, eat healthy organic foods, purchase entrance into the race....the list goes on. Let's face it, there are significant economic and social barriers to participating in events like triathlons.

I sometimes feel ashamed about all that privilege....all that access to resource that allows me to do this inane thing. But, my barista friend, a friend Jenn B., Sassy Femme, the Olympics, and remembering that white guilt or any other kind of guilt associated with privilege is really rather unproductive, have all reminded me that i can inspire myself and others to connect to that deeper love and spirit, something I believe our very young country needs desperately right now...and that is nothing to be ashamed about.

So you see, baristas are not neutral...none of us really are. And, none of us are truly disconnected from any other one of us. Every person in my life is in some way contributing to my ability to do this triathlon...have a baby...get a phd...think, feel, live. And hopefully in doing this little big race I will connect with that deeper love and spirit and send it back out.

Thank you baristas everywhere for delivering me with life's blood...coffee, connection, and love.

While the race hasn't happened yet....thank you to all of the folks in my world and beyond my immediate world who have made this possible: meg, lucy, zia, otter, jen, trina, mom, dad, robert, aline, pig and petey, the entire extended Reichenbach fam, bob, lois, meghan, gita, ramona, peris, morna, mary, charlie, doug, michelle, sam, everett, number 3, uma, jenn, jeannette, brook, baristas everywhere, the roadrunner, cookie monster, grover, ducky, jamie, kelsey, erica, the women of raising in the rain and first weeks, abba (yes, that abba), john denver (yes, that john denver), the Q Center students (www.qcenter.washington.edu ), the dixie chicks, regina, bell hooks, patricia hill collins, all women and gender queer athletes, judith butler, carla....and the list continues...more later.

why do you do it?

2008-08-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Since training started there have been a myriad of questions from friends, family, students and colleagues about the Ironman. Questions like "what are the distances?", "what are the events", "is it like the pole, pedal, paddle?", "is it a marathon?" (oh please!), "what is training like?", "how many triathlons have you done?", "where is the 'marathon'" (gads, sigh) and so on. But the question that always resonates deep in my gut, the question that takes my breath away is 'why are you doing this?'. As training comes to a 'close' (I say 'close' b/c we still have 25 days of training) I reflect on this question every day....why am I doing this?

My reaction to this question is visceral, emotional and it resonates deep in my gut. When I come up for air reflexively I retort, 'why not do Ironman?'. The honest to god truth is that I have never considered NOT pushing my body, mind and soul to their outermost reaches. I have never considered NOT going to the edges of my reality and pushing for more. I have always known that I would reach for the greatest stars of my existence until I could touch and feel all their shiny, sticky fabulousness. Why wouldn't I accept the greatest challenges that I can find? Why wouldn't I engage the most demanding opportunities for growth and change? I believe that I have been blessed with opportunity and health and I would be wasting my blessings if I skirted any challenging occasion. Ironman is one of those occasions.

Growing up I spent a good deal of time wandering hospital corridors of the orthopedic floor (my Mom spent considerable time with severe orthopedic issues). During that time I wondered how the immobility that I observed in each room could have been prevented.
How could we keep people moving and reduce their probability of hospitalization? Everyone seemed so unhappy and unwell in those rooms!

My childhood was also filled with my own illness and severe bouts with asthma. Without access to the medications and inhalers so readily accesssible today I struggled to run and ride without breaking into a wheezing fit. So despite an interest in sports (namely swimming, diving, dance and cross country) I was unable to try out or participate in any of these events.

Then in college I was tested and put on fantastic medications (though they are even better now!!) and my asthma was finally in my control. So, I ran marathons, I rode my bike, I danced until I could not stand up.

Now as a Public Health person I know academically that exercise and movement can significantly reduce the onset of MANY ortho and cardiovascular illnesses. Emotionally I know that physical activity is my 'cure all'. Spiritually I know that Ironman is one of the things that I am here to do; it's part of my life plan.

So why do I do this thing I do? Because I am humbled to have it as my privilege, because it is one of the most profound opportunities that I have experienced for growth on all levels of consciousness, because it is my responsibility to fulfill my dreams and act with intention. Because I am an Iron-Woman.

thank you...i'll be here all day!

2008-08-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

27 days until Ironman....and after 5.5 months, today I finally woke up EXCITED, excited to do this thing!!!! Many of you remember my excitement after we registered for Ironman (yes, a year ago!!!), and then I was excited right after training started (nearly six months ago). And then my enthusiasm waned considerably as training intensified. But this morning, this morning I woke with a much needed renewed sense of excitement. Yesterday we started planning for the trip...all of the logistics and we took time to purchase a few last minute training items that we know we want and will need in WI. I think this peek into the future, the momentary look ahead to the culmination of all this work was invigorating, inspiring and down right exciting. It feels great to feel positive again. It feels great to want to ride. It feels great to have the opportunity and stability in my life to spend so much time preparing for a single event. I am so blessed. And so, after so many months of exhausted posts, so many troubled training sessions and doubt-ridden expressions, I wanted to be sure to share the zeal that comes from knowing that the hard work is going to pay off. The delight that comes from knowing that this will all come to an end in a blaze of adrenaline and joy in merely 27 days is AWESOME. 27 DAYS PEOPLE!!!! WHAHOO!!! Let's RIDE!!!

If I'm done training does that mean we are done?

2008-08-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

We must be done....because I seem to not be working out. Oh, I'm getting in my long workouts. But the midweek workouts seem to have gone bye-bye. I did our run last weekend. I swam 2x this week. And it ends there. No runs. No spins. No bike. And, weekend is here again...so I'll do my long workouts. This weekend-- an open water swim followed by a hilly 40-60 miles on saturday and a flat 19 miles on sunday.

Is this bad? I know it is all I can do. We were too darn tired yesterday and went home and rested and then did some yardwork. I'm ready for some "real life". Real life as defined by puttering around in the yard weeding & planning. And hanging out with Jen while she does school work. And taking spontaneous naps. And cooking. And having a clean(er) house. And taking the dogs to the park.

In my core I know I am doing what I need to do for where I am in my life and in my days and I trust that. Well, I mostly trust it. There are parts of me that feel like a slacker. Which is crazy....how many new parents decide to both do an Ironman???? Or decide to do it at all for that matter. I am not a slacker, but there is that piece for me. The piece that knows that I, for whatever reason, won't let myself go all out. That won't let me push myself past the point of 'uncomfortable'. Sure, there are times when I can and do. Especially when it comes to endurance. I truly am the Energizer Bunny and will always just keep going---which is why I can do an Ironman, a 1 day STP, a RAMROD, a marathon....or keep working at a job I hate for that matter. In training though I will always be holding something back. Some reserve. There is some confidence or something in knowing I have something "left." It helps me feel safe. I always held back in school too. The theme of doing "just enough" to get by. Hmmmmm....me think there is some therapy here. I know it has to do with "showing up" and "being seen". It has to do with fear of failure.

Ugh. Why is every single thing a therapy session!??

29 days....WOW!

2008-08-08T08:53:00.001-07:00

Today Trina finally, FINALLY had a great swim. Great as in she was beaming at the end of her workout!!! What a gift this is for her. I am so happy to see her accomplish these victories as we prepare for the final leg of our training.

I am trying to glean strength from all of your positive posts, positive thoughts and words of wisdom. This week has been monumentally difficult for me psychologically and physically. I feel out of shape, like I haven't run or swam in months and so tired that all I can focus on is how wonderful my giant bed will feel in 'x'-hours. Intellectually I understand that such feelings are 'common' during this phase of training, and with my intense level of fatigue I am having a hard time resisting the wasteful feelings of doubt and uncertainty. Don't misunderstand, I am very excited for race day, I'm really excited about completing this goal. And I feel haunted by the demons of doubt. I am trying to embrace my feeling and work through them with every sluggish workout. I am hopeful that on the other side of this difficult week will be a week of challenge and renewed confidence.

In my swim today it hit me...I know why cookiemonster has edema. Swelling is commonly observed among super heros. Take for example the Incredibles, each of them have swollen legs, chest and arms. Super man has HUGE legs and swollen biceps. And well, then there's the superhuman power of breastfeeding--swelling---breast feeding...need I say more? So cookiemonster, during the reprieve from doubt during my swim today I realized that you are simply being transformed into the superhero we have always known you to be. You are SUPER JEN. Or JenCredible. Oooo, I like that.

Here's to the super hero in all of us. I just hope that my butt doesn't swell up anymore...what type of super hero would that make me? Oh god, don't go there!

Just when you think you can't...you know what?

2008-08-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

You can! Or I can! You saw my last post...I was wondering if we were there yet. Well, this week's workouts (minus the heinous 13.25 mile run) have been awesome! Yesterday, I ran 5 miles at 9 minute mile pace (OK you speedsters do not snicker...this is fast when your legs resemble balloons the like of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...without the strings and helium of course).

Anyway, then I went to an hour spinning class where we did speed workouts at some ridiculously high resistance. But did I cry? Well, a little....but I also rocked my workouts. And then today, after one little piece of feedback from my fabulous partner the Stingray swimmer....I knocked off 2.5 minutes of my time for the 2.4 miles in the swim! This was my best swim yet as I grew stronger and faster over the course of the mileage. And, (again, speedsters no snickering) I came in at a strong 1:12:00....very psyched about this.

I am still super tired...my legs are still edema-ed...and I'm still cranky and dizzy (but that has nothing to do with this training), but guess what? I again believe that I can do this silly thing called Ironman. In fact, today I thumb my nose the the general direction of Ironman and chortle in that stupid US American-mocking-the-French laugh. I love finding hope in the depth of despair...and really, this is a silly little race we're talking about...but the learning is still so very applicable. As my friend reminded me...what we do, how we are on the yoga mat so too are we in life. Well, today I rocked the mat!

Why Do I Do Triathlons?

2008-08-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a poem I found years ago....don't know where from, but here it is:

Why Do I Do Triathlons?

"I love to be alive. I love the gift of life. Never have I felt more alive than when my heart is beating, my lungs filling and my muscles pumping with life - in pursuit of a goal. I'm not in it for the T-shirts, or the "Wow, you're a triathlete?" admiration conveyed by the gaping mouth of the spectator.

Each of us has within ourselves the desire to move from spectator to participant in our own lives. A key to becoming a participant in life is to set specific, measurable and worthwhile goals, and then to pursue these goals with all our heart. Committing oneself to a triathlon is a very special way to set these goals, and to love the pursuit.

Deep down inside every one of us is a place of terror. This is the place where we doubt ourselves, where our self-confidence dwindles and where our dreams are called into question. During a race, and through this magnificent sport, people have to pay a few visits to this place - at mile 17 of the Ironman run or even at the bike-to-run transition of a shorter race. People go to Doubtsville, and then they return. And you know what? They leave this place behind and come back with a golden smile. For with every heartbeat during a triathlon, we pound away acres from that land of fear, anxiety and doubt.

Through triathlons, I have gained a greater capacity to give and to love. I can feel my soul glow a bit brighter, my smile stretch a bit wider, my self-confidence grow a bit stronger and my happiness penetrate a bit deeper.

It's a way to hug life, to participate in life, to search deep inside and to let life flow through you at 168 beats per minute.

There is a spark to the people involved in this sport. Triathletes are here to pursue a dream, to reach deep inside and to discover how we can all break though false limits."
-----------

I can't say it much better than that!

Are we there yet?

2008-08-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to be done now...thanks for playing. 5 weeks out...so close, yet 5 seemingly endless weeks away. I am dead-on-my-feet tired. I can't concentrate. I'm edgy and cranky and grumpy...basically all the shades of irritated one can be and still not quite be angry. Though sometimes I'm that too.

For instance, yesterday 7 miles into our 13.25 mile run, I was angry with the Admiral hill....it was longer than I had remembered it being and I didn't think that was very nice of it. I wanted to punch that hill, but I was too tired. I just kept running up it instead. Meg and I ran every hill of that run...which Meg said made her feel proud and confident. I guess that is a better way of interpreting the events than being pissed at the hills for being there in the first place. I, however, opted for the latter.

I am actually beginning to feel a bit disoriented...do you think that means something...like I'm tired and should sleep? Perhaps. I also have been experiencing magical thinking. Example: I know that I have done all of this training....but sometimes I trick myself into believing that I haven't actually done anything and that I am super out of shape. Did I really ride 205 miles in a day? Nah, no one could do that! Did I do that 18 mile run in 98 degree weather and humidity that made rain look dry? No...not possible! See...very tricky....disorienting even. Is 77 laps (up and back) in a 25 meter pool really 2.4 miles? Or is it just like 100 feet? I don't know anymore.

I just keep moving forward...and I am excited about the race...even if I don't care about it today or yesterday. I know this is "normal" (whatever the hell that is) at this point in the training. Training is just like the race....you have to face the moments when you are disoriented, edgy, cranky, crabby, tired and then just move forward. Well, I guess you don't have to do that...I do.

Plus...I'm having this weird edema where my legs swell at night....swell up tighter than a drum....like someone pumped my lower half full of water or air....like they might split at the seams edema. It's so very sexy...not to mention comfortable.

Blah, blah, blah, crank, crab, groan and moan. I just thought I'd share the under belly of this thing called Ironman training. I'm sure I'll perk up...but right now I'm still wondering if we're there yet.

Headwind Blows and OMG it's an IRONMAN

2008-08-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Training Log:

Yesterday Trina and I rode 90 miles. This is the furthest distance we have ridden to date. T was so ready....prepared, hydrated, fueled, and excited. I, on the other hand, was exhausted, had too much wine the night before, and was quite grumpy. So, I made a pact with myself to ride until I couldn't ride any more....and to keep my mouth shut (when I'm grumpy I can be, well, mean). I knew that I wasn't in a bad space for training.... I was just poorly prepared. In these circumstances I usually work out the grumps during the first 10 miles or so and then I'm golden.

After the first 30 miles of riding into the headwind my grumps were far from gone. I was happy with my music choice (only in my R ear I promise!!!), Melissa can take me far far away from the pain of headwind. But my body was exhausted from riding into the wind for so long. So, as all good triathletes do, we kept going. Another 20 into the headwinds. We had expected to ride for about 2.5-3 hours before turning around, but 4 hours in we realized that headwinds blow. We hate them. It was like riding up hill for 4 hours....something like riding Mt St Helens (refer to earlier posts from this season), which should only be done when training for Ironman.

Anyway, we completed our 90 mile ride with flying colors....well, except that my good intentions to 'practice fueling' like I plan to at Ironman made me confused and I ended up eating less than 50% of what I normally eat on a long ride. Ugh. I'm sure that this didn't contribute to my grumps AT ALL! We will do 100 with a short brick on Sunday next. My goals are to avoid headwinds (is that possible?), add hills back in (just finished the second long ride on the flats for confidence building), and EAT like I will at Ironman. Nutrition is soooo important it seems. And fueling for Ironman is SO much different than fueling for a marathon. Now I understand what the triathletes meant when they would say, 'oh, you ONLY run marathons?'. Yikes.

TRAINING VIDEO
I just got an awesome video for 'beginner' triathletes doing Ironman WI (that's me!). It's so amazing and full of relevant information about the course. The unexpected gift that it provided was this nauseating sensation of terror combined with excitement. I have never before today experienced both emotions with equal intensity. I feel like I want to run around whooping and crying at the same time. The description of the ride was not unexpected, but it confirmed my fears that I have not done enough hill training, or speed training, or whatever training to be prepared for a successful race. Yes, I have done all my rides (but one), all the long rides have involved hills and rollers (except 2), and I have been doing bricks and shorter races. NEVERTHELESS, I am back to being scared out of my granny-panties. I need to re-read last week's post from the brilliant Jen and Meg. I also need to take the very sound advice of my wise friend Becky: start filtering baby, start filtering. I think I need to stop reading and watching media about the difficulty of the course. Man, it's no joke: this is a head game!!!!

Advice Welcome.

Hallelujah Hydration

2008-08-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at 7 a.m. Trina and I started off on our 19 mile run. It was, without hesitation, the best long run we have had since we passed the 10 mile mark months ago. We started with a long warm-up speed walk and hydration. The rest is history. It was amazing. The difference that steady hydration made was like adding water to the pathetic, limp little houseplant that lives in my office. We came to life!!! Hydration is always an issue for us b/c of the distance. Neither of us enjoy carrying fuel and water and we have relied on flimsy attempts at water belts (b/w us we've tried nearly every skimpy water belt option available on the market). However yesterday we made a big investment and tried the 'alterra' pack by Camelbak....and the results were transformative. I mean it was amazing. We were fully hydrated consuming 58 oz's of fluid each and laughing throughout the entire run. Well, except for one deviation and big fat trip, both of which were b/c of me and not the lack of hydration. Really? You want to hear them?

Well, I have this thing. I like to plan our running or cycling route in great detail prior to our training and then I carve it in stone so that we can stick to it like white on rice. Deviation is difficult for me on a hydrated, full, happy day of visiting vineyards....so you can imagine how I handle deviation at mile 16 of a 19 mile run when I have minimal mental resources for coping with any unexpected outcomes. On a whim Trina suggested we take a road I don't like (yes, there are roads that one comes to prefer over others when you spend this much time pounding the pavement as we do). Instead of going with the flow I shot her the most evil look I could muster while eating my caramel powerbar gel and took off grumbling down the road. I snapped at her, complained, whined and generally acted like a 3 year old who didn't want to take a much needed nap. About a 1/4 mile down the road Trina calmly said, "are you done?". I said 'No!"...but I was. I couldn't muster the energy to go on with my tantrum....and then I was distracted. That's the beauty of being so tired when tantruming....easy distraction.

On the other hand, distraction is also not my friend. Many of you know that I have a tendency to fall down. You also know that I don't have to be doing anything other than walking on a flat, unblemished surface to fall down. At about the 18th mile I was beginning to get tired and hungry. At this point we were running through a neighborhood with treacherous sidewalks...a hazardous experience for me under the best conditions. Just as I came to a particularly uneven, rocky, broken section of walkway I also noticed an organic bakery with scones and cinnamon rolls in the window. As we ran by I craned my neck just so and looked over my shoulder so I could see the.....thud. That's me tripping badly and nearly falling to my knees. And so we laughed, well first we both freaked b/c it would be a travesty to get this far in training and have to bow out b/c I fell and broke my arm gawking at baked goods. But I will tell you, they were amazing baked goods. I love baked goods. Sigh.

So at last we have had a great run. At last we can see the light, at last we finished a long run laughing, whooping and high fiving one another. We had anticipated many of our long runs would be like this. But it seems that pectin, fuel, hydration and nutrition are far more influential than we had ever anticipated when we began this journey. But alas, we have determined a protocol that works for us....now I must go out and get more stone tablets to get this down.

the little diesel who could

2008-07-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

I post these b/c they MUST be posted. This is some of the dialog that goes on 'behind the scenes', for those of you following along. These are emails shared today after learning more details about the 112 mile cycling course in Madison. After reading this you will see why I HAD to train for this race with these women. They are amazing. Enjoy!

This Morning: approximately 8:29 a.m.
Hey Tri Women!
I just swam the distance again and I feel great....the time was 1:41...certainly not as fast as you water cheetahs but well w/in the cut off time. Then I got home to read the power point Meg sent....SO GREAT! That was very useful. Useful in the sense that now I am scared out of my granny panties. Jesus mother. How is an amateur cyclist like myself going to get through things as challenging as what is described?? What have I gotten myself into. To date this is the most fear I have felt about this race. OMG. Gulp.

Advice welcome!
hugs all around!
JJ

Response: This afternoon 1:46 p.m.

Dear Scaredy Granny Pants-

Once upon a time there was a girl we shall call.....Jackie. Jackie was a couch potato with visions of not just sugar plum dancing in her head but also an athletic, finely tuned body that had long since gone the way of too many cookies. Anyway, Jackie said to herself...."self, I think I shall do this ride they call RAGBRAI (in lay terms the Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa)." Now, many a rider had taken on this feat....usually with some training. Jackie said, "nyah training is too hard, too sweaty. I shall be able to do this ride because I love Iowa and pork chops." So, Jackie and her two friends the Bad Idea Bears.....went off to Iowa....where they met with a week of heat, humidity, and hills (H3). Sometimes they had to ride up to 80 miles a day....and contrary to popular belief....Iowa ain't flat!

Well, many might have thought Jackie would perish under the stress of the H3's....but no, she just rode steadily and each day she finished, just to drink beer and wake up and do another ride. She got to dip her tire in the Great Mississippi River and call herself a RAGBRAI finisher (two times even).

The moral of this story is: You can fucking do this. You have done the training. You conquered the clay in our yard to create pathways. You are teacher of the year. You are a woman who left her husband, came out, lost her friends, seduced the hottie Trina, and started a new life. You are fucking Wonder Woman. You do not have to be a "professional" cyclist to do this ride. It is fine.....some rollers, some hills...it will be hard, but you can and will do this. We know this because Jackie did RAGBRAI (twice) and if she can do RAGBRAI twice.....Wonder Woman can do Madison once.

1:40 is a great time! Nice job.

love you much. i really am not minizing your concerns.....because I myself have felt scared this week.....but, Meg and I have done enough riding to know that what matters is the continuation of forward motion. You can do this....continue moving forward.

And, when in doubt remember our good friend Jackie....the couch potato who could.

See....they're amazing. And now I'm not scared. CURED! BRING ON THE IRONMAN! WHOOO HOOO. I am the little diesel who could....or I am the wonder woman who could...that's even better. Double WHOOOO HOOOOO.

Fears, Sags, & Getting Back in the Game

2008-07-30T15:23:00.001-07:00

PART I: In Which Fear is Discussed Nearly to Death

So, I received a mile by mile description of bike course & sent it to the madtrigirls aka Team McBrelfson. You can see it here: http://www.brittracing.com/ironmanbike.htm. I think it has us all a bit nervous. Jen sent us a great motivational story in an email to the tune of the 'little engine that could.' So, here is my 2 cents.

Fear is good! You are supposed to be afraid right now. Terrified even. Poor Jen had to "talk me down" so many times during this phase last time....my fear of not being able to do it, my fear of being slow, my fear of missing a cut off time, of getting a flat, of looking fat in my race clothes, of being in horrible pain & uncomfortable, of letting other people down....my fear about my fears, thus learning about meta-fear. Goodie!

This time around I guess, I don't feel too scared. More numb. More like, jeezus....I don't feel like riding hills all day. I wanna nap. But, that lack of true fear is only because I've passed through it before and saw it from the other side. And see that getting through the fear is just one of the biggest parts of the training. Alas, as with most icky things, the part no one talks about, how down to your core terrifying it is.

We can all do this. It might not feel good. In fact many parts of it won't. Parts of it will make us want to throw away our bikes (with the heartfelt sentiment & foot stomp of "I'll just get another one if I ever do want to ride again!") and lay down in a ditch and cry. Well, hide and cry. Other parts will make us elated to be DOING IT...out there, in our fabulous strong bodies. Doing things very few people dream of doing and even fewer attempt. Think about it! To do this is a gift. To see yourself going through the process and being committed, determined, fit, strong, sassy, sweaty, afraid, organized.... well, we stretch and grow. Well, I don't actually stretch. I am opposed to it for some reason & only do it after spinning when the instructor is watching. And while I am not shrinking in size, I can only hope I am not actually growing. But I digress...we are stretching and growing and filling out more of who we are every day.

Fear of the Ironman is like a fear of bears.....good to have a good healthy respect and fear of the race. Then, show up and move through it. I think it has been somewhat scientifically shown that you will most likely encounter the fear approximately 140.6 times that day. And each time you will rise above it. You might even laugh at it!

Race day is all about a commitment to stay inside your self, inside your body, and keep it moving forward. Moving forward is always progress. It may feel slow & painful, but it is all part of getting it done. And Team McBrelfson knows a thing of two about getting it done!

PART II: The Multiplicity of Sags

Sags. I'm training and training. And I haven't really lost weight. People, how the eff is this possible?!? My Lucy enhanced sags are going no where. I say 'enhanced' as I know full well they were there before. Now they are even more Dr Seuss like than before. Sags suck.

Sagging. We signed up for the Seattle Century that took place last sunday. In hindsight, this was not such a great plan as we got back in town late the night before after being gone for 10 days. And then had to get up crazy early and go ride. 100 miles. Once there however, even the pie wasn't enough to keep me in the game. First, I was told it was flat. And it was not. Argh. And the map they gave us of course elevation further indicating flatness was completely wrong. And for a girl that didn't feel like riding at all and really wanted to be back home...that was all it took. We hopped in the sag wagon and went home after 50 miles. Mind you, it was a good 50 miles. We climbed about 2,000ft and our ride time was 3 hr 20 minutes. Say what you will, but there is a time and a place for sagging. And I'm getting good at picking them out!

PART III: Where Meggie Trains Again

I've been a slackin'. Or life has been too crazy. Or both are true. Training has been rough the past few weeks. First off, we chose to do the STP. So naturally this caused some reorganization of our training schedule to allow for some pre/post recovery and therefore missed workouts. In the week leading up to and the week after, our babylady starting pushing her teeth through and was not sleeping. Which means MamaMeg was not sleeping. Beyond Tired MamaMeg doesn't do well training. Because at that point, I just don't care. Next, we were packing and prepping to go to N.Carolina for jen's family reunion. Um, it is effing hot in N.Carolina. And humid. While we were there we did do a 7 mile run and an 18 mile run. Both made us feel like we were going to literally melt, vomit, kill someone, pass out...but given it was about 96 degrees and humid I'm giving us a pass on that and a big fat bravo for even attempting it. Besides, despite how we felt, we did fairly well. We had planned to swim laps...in a pool that we later found out had no lap swim time. And, much like my healthy fear of bears (and ironman races, see above), I also have a healthy fear of sharks that doesn't allow me to actually swim in the ocean. We did bike. Biked ala Pee Wee Herman. On our beach cruisers. But hey, 20 miles on a beach cruiser isn't exactly a cake walk.

So, we are back. And I feel like I am back in the game again!!! Woohooo! I swam 1.5 hours yesterday and realized I had forgotten how to swim. I no longer knew how to rotate, hold my head in position, breathe or kick. Luckily, I didn't drown with all that forgetting and I know that this happens after swim breaks and didn't mind too much and was able to come back today to rock a 45 min swim. I did exactly 1.5 miles (48 laps) in 45 minutes. This is because I remembered to do the other thing I always forget about...pull. One generally swims faster if they remember to actually pull in the water!

I'm feeling good--I'm back to spinning. I missed my run because of the babylady, but will make it up tomorrow. I've listened to my body and for that I am proud. Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you just gotta let it go if life gets in the way. And sometimes you need to give yourself a stern lecture to get back off your butt and back in the game.

So, lecture to self done and I'm back! Fiercer and more bad ass than before!

42 days and counting...oh dear lord

2008-07-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have earned myself a new name. I am the diesel. I am not fast. I am not slick. I am not competitive or even athletic. I am, however, determined, steadfast and diligent. When the going gets tough and the tough get goin'...I put my head down and push through, slowly, and without reservation. I am the diesel.

Today we rode our longest ride yet,80 miles and it was terrific. We rode the country roads nearly to Corvallis, Oregon (my second home, sigh), and they were FLAT. This was the first flat long ride we have taken in our training so far and it was fabulous. It was good to ride hard and long with my head in the game. I learned how to be steady psychologically (b/c as many of you know I am often unsteady psychologically) and resist the effects of monotony. It was great.

I am keenly aware that this training process is simultaneously reaching the apex and the end. The race is in 42 days and I can acutely remember the sting of starting this journey and counting the months left of training. I am excited and I am nervous. I am joyous and I am scared. I relish the thoughts of accomplishing this goal. I revel in the fantasy of staying up late and sleeping past 6 a.m. But I have also become so accustomed to regularity and dependability of this pace. My love for predictability and routine has been so thoroughly rienforced by this process....I can hardly remember what it was like before training. Did I have friends? Did I eat out? Did I see movies? I feel like Jennifer-Who...a femmy queer girl who has lost all memory of her life prior to Ironman (a syndrome commonly known as Iron-mysia). I will have to meet and learn to know myself all over again.

Thankfully I have 42 days. 42 days of training, scheduled and focused eating, planned sleeping, hydration, discussion, event planning, travel planning, bike planning....I have 42 days of planning ahead. And thank god....b/c apparently I am just not ready to let go. Who knew, at the start of all of this, that I would come to be thankful for the workouts, the sweat, the many, many showers a day (I'm a femme and it takes showers and product to make me me) and the routine of 20 hours of weekly training. I can't wait until tomorrow....thank god, it's a rest day.

For those of you following these posts (god bless you...especially after my last post), thank you for your support. Without you I would be a lonely blogger. Without you I would have no one to whine to...no one to celebrate with. You have all inspired me in some way or another and in long rides and runs like those I've had this weekend, I think of you. I think of the funny things you have said, the not so funny things I have said, the crazy things we have done (Jen....the night of G and T's and YouTubing inappropriate stuff) and the strength that each of you have shared with me. I look forward to sharing more (hopefully not nearly as much as I did in my post last week....I think I was dehydrated and lost all sense of SOCIAL GRACE!) and learning more from you all. THANK YOU. I promise to swim, ride and run in your honor (it's easier this way....you don't have to train...unless your name is Jen, Meg or Trina...in which case what are you doing still reading?? Shouldn't you be running or riding or swimming or eating or showering????).

Big Hugs!
PS: All this training makes me so 'i love you man'.
PPS: ONLY 42 DAYS!!! DID YOU READ THAT???OMG, I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

The best laid plans and good intentions

2008-07-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

One of the most profound lessons that I am learning in the training process is to trust. Trust my intuition. Trust the training. Trust my gut. When something seems off (off like the smell of bad milk)....it probably is. When something feels wrong deep in my soul (wrong like showing up to ironman without having trained) ...it probably is. And yet, despite my gut, despite the intuition that we were NOT to venture deep into our training over the weekend, we persisted and ended up once in a taxi and once deeply indebted to a friend with a truck. Thank the gods that we have a friend with a truck (three cheers for Lois!). But let me begin at the beginning....where all long rides and runs in the dog days of summer start....the wee hours of the morning.

Saturday morning I woke with a deep sense of dread for our (seemingly short) 70 mile ride. We dressed, ate, and then I climbed back into bed whining in my best 4-year old voice all the reasons I couldn't ride. Alas, we mounted Pepper and Tula (sounds like 'toola') for our ride. A mere five miles in Trina realized that her brakes were wonky (for your non-cyclists this is the very technical term for f-ed up). So we called our 'experts' (Jen and Meg!!!) who suggested that we have the mechanic look it over before trecking out onto a long hilly ride. As the cool morning hours were ticking away we realized that we needed to kick it into high gear (another very specialized cycling term) if we were going to get a long workout in. We decided that our bad luck with cycling should not be pushed any further and we took off on an 18 mile run.

Fluids, gu, and iPod in hand we laced up and took off. My deep sense of dread began again and I started looking for signs....signs that I could go home and crawl back into bed. Looking back I realize that there were signs...like a good friend of ours with a blown out tire on the road as we ran by, and the nauseating cramping deep in my abdomen, but apparently such signs are wasted on me, b/c we kept running...I looking for the sign.

About 7 miles in my belly began to rumble. For those non runners out there this is NOT a good sign for me. Usually this sort of tummy rumble leads to serious (and humiliating) tummy trouble. And so it began...the regular (every 2 mile) emergency bathroom stop at any public restroom available. My ass was like a faucet....enough said. Then, as if this collection of signs weren't enough (sorry men reading this) we both began to cramp and well, menstruate (I thought by using the clinical term it might come off less personal, instead now I just feel like a demonstration in middle school health class). By 10 miles we were a mess. I think this was the sign, but we persevered. At mile 11 we stopped for water and food (anything to please stop the faucet!!!!). By 11.75 we were desperate. At 12 miles we found an ATM (thank you Trina for always being a good boy scout and having ID and debit cards handy!!!). Trina got cash and proclaimed (really she did) that we would be taking a cab home. I laughed and in my very sassy-snarkish way said, 'baby this is not the city, where are we going to find a cab'. She was quiet for about 2 seconds and then said 'right there', and pointed to the cab sitting in the parking lot 10 feet from my sprawling body. That sort of thing is the story of my life...smartass comments and then very practical obvious truths. It really steals the punchline.

And so, we took our cab home. Best $12 ever spent.

Sunday, we woke with a steadfast commitment to our 70 mile ride. It was the kind of commitment one might have to say enjoying a buffet in Las Vegas, or to happy hour on Fridays (this is serious commitment people). Just like deja vu we mounted Pepper and Tula at 10 a.m. fully stocked with fluids, gu and all other kinds of 'fake' foods. 10 miles later Trina got a flat. All smiles and jokes we laughed it off, spent 30 minutes changing her tire (it was our first!) and returned to the rode. Two miles and one porta potty later (I stop every time I see one....you never know when the chance to go will present itself!), Trina's tire blew, AGAIN. Out of tubes and patience we phoned a friend (we attempted to poll the audience but those cows are so darn tight lipped!) Thank god for Lois, our fabulous friend with the truck. While Trina suggested that we try getting the tube replaced, the shops around town were closed and frankly, I was out of 'commitment' to the weekend of long workouts. And so we ate. And we laughed and we ate. Sometimes we just can't do what the schedule tells us to. Sometimes we have to follow the signs. :)

While our training partners bust through miles and miles of training (we love them!), we are renewing our commitment to the process. This week is a new week. This week we will SUCCESSFULLY achieve all of our goals and miles. This week we will be ironwomen! Oh, and by the way, don't tell anyone about that 'ass was a faucet' thing....it's so embarrassing.

6.5 weeks to Madison. Oh dear god.

Heat, humidity, and making it happen

2008-07-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

Howdy from the hot, hot, hot humid beach in North Carolina! Did I say HOT? UGH!! We got to Raleigh and ran 7 miles. We sweltered. On saturday we headed to Ocean Isle Beach where Jen's family holds an annual family reunion. In the midst of hotter than usual temps, we ran our 18 mile run. Our longest run to date. The night before we made our route...not too hard since there are essentially 2 parallel streets and that is it. It ended up being a 9 mile loop which was perfect for our need to do 18 miles. We were able to stop at the cottage for water/gatorade refills and along the way cooled off with hoses at others cottages along the way.
It was miserable, but done. What we realized on the way was that we are truly in "Maintenence Zone".....We have swum the distance, we have biked well over the distance....and have 2 more long runs (19 &20) left in training. Yahoo!!! Just maintain where we are essentially. That feels like a relief as I am really tired of training.

Today Jen and I rode our beach cruiser bikes. This is the first year I have been able to do that. Give me my road bike and I'll ride 200 miles in a day, but give me a beach cruiser and I'm suddenly 4 and need training wheels. I am freaked out about the pedal brakes. I can't ride upright and I look like Pee Wee Herman. I get panicky. It is all ridiculous really. Not to mention embarassing. I mean come on, who can't ride a beach cruiser!??! But this year, I managed! We rode for an hour and then went and played in the waves to cool off.

I super hate to work out when I am not in my normal environment so I am very happy to be 'making it happen' on the road!

Seattle to Portland...merely a training ride: In three parts

2008-07-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

Part I: The Ride

Meg and I rode (with our friend Meghan...see side bar) the STP in a day. This is a ride from Seattle to Portland and folks can do it in one day or two. We opted for the one-day version, a total of 205 miles...twice as long as my furthest ride and quite possibly my longest workout ever...perhaps with the exception of ultimate frisbee tournaments. But frisbee tournaments are always punctuated with short breaks, slamming oranges and bagels, and smoking pot, so the two really don't compare unless you count the pot part. I'm kidding...I never ate the bagels.

Anyway, there was no pot...we were definitely feeling the pain, after mile 150 anyway. Up till then, Meg, Meghan, and I were just zipping along (avg. 17.0 mph for the entire 205). We felt good, we took turns leading our pace line of 3 and joining on to others. It was really fun and great to be riding with two women who are competitive with themselves but are not about beating others. Just great! Meghan is a hell of a climber...kicking our asses up every hill. Meg is rock steady and is truly the energizer bunny....in fact I think she is still riding between the two cities. I'm not clear why...but I felt like a mother hen protectively watching over my chicks...sometimes riding in the back of the pace line to make sure all was well...that and that I got the best drafts of the day.

I joke, but I really did want to make sure my besties were not being hit by all the riders (sorry fellas...but mostly you guys) who would pass within inches without so much as a chortle. ON YOUR LEFT....say it with me boys...three little words that could mean the difference between a great day riding and a traumatic head injury. I see you all Lance-Armstrong-wanna-live-strong-and-be-like-mike-boys trying to win a ride that a) is not a race; and b) did I mention it wasn't a race? But really to what end are you passing so closely and saying so little?

We rode strong and finished strong...if a bit snarky and a tad nauseated. But, 205 miles in one day....that my friends is 93 more miles than race day. I feel a distinct psychological advantage!

Part 2: Lessons from the Road

1. We learned something about our need for better hydration...but we aren't sure what we learned

2. Chamois butter (aka butt balm) is an ointment of the gods

3. Training for the event is better than not training for the event

4. 4 hours of sleep for 4 nights in succession may have a biblical ring, but it makes for a long ass bike ride

5. Chip seal sucks

6. Real food is better than fake food

7. 205 miles is 130 miles further than anyone really needs to ride in a given period of time

8. We are rockstars

9. The STP really only needs to be done once ever

10. We googled it (not from the road....but we thought about it there)....people actually compete in things called Enduroman competitions....these are Ironman x 2 or 3!! Seriously...look it up.

Part 3: Jen gets on her social justice soap box...again

Enough of the complaints....at least about the riders. I'm unclear as to why...but there is an ongoing conflict...war is too strong...perhaps an ongoing "police action" between cyclists and motorists....as if the two are mutually exclusive. I don't know about you, but I also use a car as do the majority of cyclists. There are some folks who do not...and bravo to you I say! Anyway, most of us cross-over and can really relate to the frustrations of sharing the road from both points of view. When I'm driving...I sometimes don't see the cyclists at night...or if they run a stop sign or if they are just doing everything right and are in the bike lane. Then...when I don't see them and I nearly hit them I feel scared and want to lash out...at them...as if it is their fault that I nearly killed them. When really, I didn't see them and am blaming them for my mis-step. Bad form, Jen.

When I'm a cyclist...I couldn't be more irritated with the honking, the yelling, the gestures, the fake "loss-of-control-and-now-i'm-in-your-path," the speeding, the opening of car doors to scare you, the not seeing you and then blaming you for not seeing you. These things bother me. So you see...I understand the tensions...but really, is there a need for a battle of the roads? Can't we share? With the price of gasoline bicycles will soon be all any of us can afford anyway.

To add insult to injury...some (a small minority) of young white men seem to think it is their right, ethical duty, job even, to yell obscenities and threats at women cyclists. These are the same characters who likely feel that women's bodies are theirs for consumption. And, sometimes they combine the two beliefs and yell things like, "I can see why you are riding a bike fat ass" (white male yahoo as conveyed to me on STP, 2009).

Now as my partner said...this is a bit like going to the Ironman and yelling at the women competitors..."You should be swimming, biking, and running you fat ass." Doesn't make much sense now does it? Let's see....I'm swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112, then running a marathon and you are doing?? Oh that's right...NOTHING.

But, it doesn't stop the sting to have critical consciousness and an ability to outhink the yahoos, and some seriously snarky comments, does it? No...the sting of that sexism and the women-body-hating misogyny is no less...because the targets of forms of oppression end up doing some of the oppressor's heavy-lifting...by internalizing the narratives. I've written on this before....and you know that I am the owner of 38 years of anti-women's bodies narratives....all of which I resist and attempt to overthrow....and then a yahoo yells at me, and I am a pudgy 12 year-old believing that her very physical existence is an assault on what women "should be." And, I even hate that pudgy 12 year old, and then I feel guilty for hating her, and then I hate myself for hating myself, and then I hate myself for hating myself for hating myself...and the spiral continues until my head explodes.

When this kind of stuff goes down it makes me want to hole up in the house with my girls and listen to Free to Be You and Me until...you guessed it...my head explodes. That the yahoos of the world can still reduce me to a pudgy 12 year old who didn't deserve the shit she got in the first place...first pisses me off, then just saddens me. She was a cool kid...a smart kid...a great athlete who struck out all of those boys who called her names and had a hanging jump shot by the time she was 14. My body has worked for me...and it did again on Saturday and it will again on September 7th.

To all the yahoos: My body is not yours to consume for so many reasons...but mostly because you can't f*cking catch me!

Apparently on a Break

2008-07-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

In slumptown here. I haven't worked out since our ride last friday. Though, it is really hard when I am working (& this was my long stretch) to get the workouts in with the babylady logistics. And factoring in sleep.
Things are tricky because I could workout a lot the next 2 days---yet I shouldn't do too much because the STP is this weekend so I should rest some. Then I am working the days after we get back until we leave to go to the beach. There we will be gone for 10 days (including travel days)---where it is hot/humid and we will be away from where we can workout like we normally do.
But I'll do what I can. I'll swim and run tomorrow and swim on thursday.

OMG, now I heart biking!

2008-07-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

Jen and I did our 70 mile ride today. It was great! I think we both were a little unsure of where we were in terms of training on the bike since we have done the bulk of our riding at spin class & not actually on our bikes. However, we realized that we are actually right on track in terms of mileage--and much faster than we were when I trained 2 years ago!

Our loop today is the one we pretty much always do starting on the Green River Trail and down to Auburn, then over to Black Diamond with it's crazy-amazing bakery (mmm...pink donuts! mmmm....frosted cookies! mmmm....nainamo bars!). From there we go down thru the Green River Gorge, which is awesome and unexpected (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/getaways/286519_gorge28.html). Then we climb up out of the gorge, only to descend back down to the Green River Valley. Then it is through farmlands, back to Auburn, hop on the trail and head home.

It was 70 miles even and we did it in 4hrs & 23 minutes. The elevation gain was not a lot--- just around 1400-1500ft-- a few rollers and a few steep (13%)short climbs and a lot of flat and some fun downhills (38mph! Weeeeee!).

We tried to eat more like we would on race day and that seemed to work well. Training for Ironman '06 on this ride I have had a little dumb problem of forgetting to eat breakfast and dragging myself to the bakery 1/2 way in to ride and not understanding why I felt terrible. Then fueled the rest of ride by cinnamon rolls. :) While tasty, not super effective! This time we both used Nuun in our water in our camelbacks. I tried Clif Blocks- margarita w/ salt flavor which I really liked and cut up pieces of landjager sausage and a cherry pomegrante flavored Clif Nectar bar. The combo seemed to work and just eating bites every 15 min. or so. I also had hardboiled egg for breakfast and a PB&J post ride. All in all I felt better about my nutrition than I normally do so that is great. I never felt hungry or lacking energy and I was peeing so think I was drinking enough.

Top it all off-- I got to spend most of the morning and early afternoon all alone with Jen! It is so fun to do this with her. The activities are things we love to do anyway, love to do together and have been a great way to spend time together that has nothing to do with a new baby. Some say it is crazy timing to try and do an Ironman now. And, it is. But in many ways it is perfect timing. Perfect because it forces us to make time for each other and plan time away from baby stuff to play/train. Perfect because it is doing things that feel like they are about us, where we are in our bodies being strong, and make us feel like our usual selves.

Anyhow, now I am exhausted and glad for a day off tomorrow and a short practice open water swim on sunday!

I Heart Swimming!

2008-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Or the day I returned to rockin' the workouts!

Epic freakin' swim today! I was to swim 75 minutes and was hopeful to swim the race distance (2.4 miles) in that time. I felt great! Long, smooth, TI'ing it out,(Total Immersion swimming for you non-triathletes), clean, strong swimming. I did the race distance in just under 1 hour 13 minutes. And, it felt amazing! I felt good the whole time, kept the pace consistant from beginning to end.

Another fabulous thing about the water.... i don't feel fat in the pool. Getting in my suit and walking to the pool, yes. Getting out of pool, showered and changed, yes. But while swimming....I'm as thin as can be. Kinda makes ya' never stop :)

I was also supposed to run 5 miles, which I didn't have time for....I only had 20 minutes. But, made the most of it and had a super speedy 20 minute run in which i ran 2.5 miles. So, shorter than it should have been but awesome speed. 8 min/mile pace.

So, yippee! I'm a happy triathlete-lady!

Apathy and Milk Woes

2008-07-01T22:00:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like working out this week. It is feeling too consuming. Physically, I feel well....stronger than last time (how, i'll never know!). But I'm sleepy. And I'm mentally tired of the logistics it takes to train for an Ironman with a partner who is also training for an Ironman.....and a 6 month old baby....and both of us with jobs....and Jen trying to get dissertation ready....and all the other 'life' stuff. Coordinating workouts is daunting at this point. So, instead, I want to hang out, nap, and mostly I want to be completely irresponsible for a few days. I want to be lazy!!!! I want to stay up late drinking beers and eating chips! I want to sleep in and then go to a coffee shop and sit around drinking coffee and eating cookies! I want to putz around in the garden all day!! I just don't feel like exercising.

That being said....I know this is just where I am right now. It is where I was last time. So, I just will keep plugging away at it.

I can't believe we are 9 weeks from race time. Training has been a blur and that scares me. It is a bit nerve wracking to be getting close to something this huge that I scarcely remember training for!!! Yet, logically, I know I have done the workouts just as I did last time. And that, while I spent more time on my actual bike last time rather than in spinning that my bike strength is somehow better. Wierd.
The test will be STP...we are doing it in 1 day. That is 204 miles. I did it in 2001. But I'm old now. Oh yeah, and we have only been on our bikes outside 4 times....the longest of which was 72 miles. It ought to be interesting. :) However, my big worry of that day is of a more "delicate" nature....how shall I say this? Too much information coming...... A breastfeeding mama shouldn't go 15+ hours or so without some "relief"!! On Tour de Blast after just about 6 or 7 hours I was bent over the toilet 'hand expressing' that precious liquid gold away.... impressive amounts I did know possible. Thank goodness for real bathrooms!! Except, umm, on STP there are porta-potties. Going to have to get creative.

Not much else to say except that despite apathy setting in, I did manage to get up this morning at 5am and hit the gym and did my swim for the day before work. Tomorrow is a 75 min swim (should be about race distance-2.4miles)and a 5 mile run.

Getting Through the Hard Parts

2008-06-30T07:42:00.001-07:00

I have to say, in all of my fantasies about IRONMAN never did was I able to conceive of the feeling in my body that this level of training would generate. I have at times vacillated between a sense of euphoria and strength I have never before known and the feeling that I have actually hit a brick wall in milliseconds. Thankfully the average of these feelings leaves me most frequently with a sense of awe and determination that I can get over the brick wall and an acceptance that I will continue to be tired.

This weekend Trina and I experienced some really tremendous workouts together. Our 50 mile ride pushed us to the brink with an unexpected series of long rolling hills. We took a new ride and we were unaware of the hills until they were on us like white on rice. Ordinarily this would be fine, but we had just finished the tour de blast and were, well, tired of hills. But we rode on.

Our 15 mile run was fun and we worked every mile to take control of our bodies and the mileage....and it worked! We operated like a well oiled machine to get one another safely and successfully from mile 1 to the final 15th mile. Our trip included a mix of concrete and bark paths and one quick stop at home to get our camelbacks off and our waste packs on. We learned that camelbacks are TOO HARD to run with....but that water packs around the waist are a god send in the 90 degree heat.

Last night, after recovering by consuming my weight in food and water, we shopped for our weeks groceries and planned our workouts for the next week and month. The distances that we have planned out (based on Meg's experience and coach and the million books that we have read), are certainly doable, and they are TERRIBLY scary. Not scary like "I don't want to jump out of this perfectly good plane", more scary like "oh dear god I have to go up THAT mountain on my fixed gear bike?" But we know that we have felt this way before and that we will likely feel this way again. This is the psychological part of our preparation, right?

As for our groceries, we are focused on increasing our consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables every time we eat anything. We have also included a menu of whole wheat pasta dinners with vegetables for the week. Protein sources include turkey, fish and chicken this week. We will begin juicing carrots for Trina in the mornings to help get her calorie consumption up with foods she can tolerate with the intense schedule.

We can hardly believe we are 9 weeks from race day. After so many months and years of dreaming it is incredible to see the date approaching so quickly. We love this and fear this simultaneously. Bring on the armor...we're going deep!

Skipping & Galloping

2008-06-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, we conquered Mt St Helens....on a beautiful day. It was a fun ride for me and I had a great time riding with Jen. We just plain ride great together and it feels like the pre-baby days when we ride. The best part of the day however, was watching Trina (TT) and Jennifer (sassy-femme) kick ass on their first hilly (& longer) ride. I mean...Jen and I have done these types of things before and I have a rather 'selective memory' when it comes to hills, so didn't quite accurately portray the hills involved. Oops. However, they really did an amazing job and it was really an accomplishment. I think if that had been my first ride of both that length and incline I would have thrown myself into the ashy Toutle River and called it a day. So big congrats to them for showing their Ironman colors! :)

Yesterday Jen and I ran 16 miles. It was a great run. Well, we felt good and strong and fast. We hit a wall and things got stiff as one might imagine the last few miles, but the overall feeling was "wow, we are doing great!". We have devised our new way of long runs that really seem to be working. We walk at first, then run 40-ish minutes. Then after that we do 10 minute chunks and alternate who gets to decide how we break it up. We might do 2 min. walk/8 min. run or 4 min. walk/6 min. run....etc. This seems to be working great for us. We do however need to eat more during ride and practice our nutrition before running also.

We tried to skip at the end. I have visions of skipping across the finish line for some whacked out reason I am unable to explain. We tried. Good god it is hard. Jen suggested galloping. Which was easier. You see, running more than 12 miles is neither good for your body or your sanity. So, I have now suggested that we do no more bike-run bricks and instead will practice our skipping and galloping at the end of our runs. Thoughts?

Great post on body image. I don't know what to say...except the bottom line is that we are women that are crazy strong and fit and do things that mere mortals can't even conceive of doing. We kick ass and laugh while doing it!

A mountain, a bird, and misogynist discourse

2008-06-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

A mountain
As Sassy-Femme noted, we rode up Mt. St. Helen's to get our climbing legs on. For me, the ride was great for many reasons: 1) SF and TT (their longest and steepest ride ever) showed incredible endurance and mental toughness getting up to the top of that ride; 2) it was beautiful and you could see the mountain (which is more often than not, not the case); 3) i was riding with my sweetie who has a depth of stamina that bouys and astounds me; 4) TT followed her intuition and her body so that we all stayed safe, healthy, and happy; and 4) i felt really strong.

I am excited about the bike portion of the triathlon and know that Meg and I will have a strong race. We plan on doing the entire race together, pushing and/or pulling each other to the finish. When Meg did her first IM two years ago, I saw a couple doing the whole thing together and it was just really sweet and powerful to watch them support each other through the physical, emotional, etc. ups and downs of the race. The race as a metaphor is not lost on me.

A Bird
Update on Jeoff, who we are now simply calling the Roadrunner because I don't know how to pronounce both of the F's in his name: We went back to his spinning class last week, even though I had not forgiven him for smiting my compliment. Meg decided that the Roadrunner must be loved for his performance and not for his interpersonal skills. He should be watched and not spoken to. He should be theatrically enjoyed and not befriended. Sage advice...so I will be content to spin my little legs off and simply bird watch.

Misogynist Discourse
I have an issue with my body....have since I was a kid and I come by it honestly. My mother thought she had a "weight problem" as did both of my grandmothers....perhaps their mothers before them. Shocking! A woman, with a hang-up about weight? Really, in this country?

Yes, as trite and platitudinous (so not a word) as it is...I have always struggled with my body image. Now, I have been thin, chubby, awkward and round, curvy, muscular, lean, flabby, and somewhat overweight...but always powerful, athletic, and able to take up physical space. Through all of those shapes I have thought the same thing: "I am fat. I am not what a woman should be. I am not what a woman should look like. I am fat."

OK people....i have internalized this misogynistic discourse not only at the hands of my mother and my mother's mother and her mother's mother's mother. Notice how we hold the women responsible for perpetuating misogyny. This fat discourse is really a U.S. fairy tale and not the good pro-woman kind like where....hmmm....are there good pro-woman fairy tales?

So, I learned this disgust for my body, my fat, my "bigness," and I continue to struggle to find both my strength and my beauty. As a kid, I thought that I was in the wrong kind of body because I loved baseball, basketball, running around, getting dirty, climbing trees, digging holes, making forts. I learned my gendering properly and thought there was something wrong with my "girl-ness." I was that girl that everyone called tomboy and I mostly wore the label with pride. But, I thought inside, "I'm not what a girl should be...and I'm fat." I know this is not a unique story...I think in some regard that is exactly my point. It isn't unique because the misogynist discourses surrounding gender and weight are pointed and purposeful, these discourses police us. Yeah, yeah...Judith Butler says it better...so go read her blog.

You know what....now that I'm into this discussion this far....I don't have the wherewithal to continue. I think my point is....I continue to struggle with this...even though my body is going to move 140.6 miles in one day in three different kinds of events and sometimes all I can think about is how fat I might look in the damn wetsuit.

more on this later....i will just continue to subvert these discourses even as they inhabit my body.

5200 feet in 42 miles is INCREDIBLE

2008-06-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stood on top of the world? Have you ever stood in the shadow of a majestic mountain in awe of its magnitude and beauty? There aren't words to describe the way that this can take your breath away. While we did not stand on the 'actual' peak of the world (hiking Everest seems just the other side of insane to me), we did cycle Mt St Helens this weekend. That's right. We cycled UP a mountain. For those of you who choose NOT to cycle, up mountains or down to the corner store, let me share a few statistics. First, we climbed, that's right, climbed on our bikes, for 42 breathtaking miles. And let me clarify, when I say 'breathtaking' I mean, 'can't breath where did the oxygen go I think I'm a fish out of water' kind of breathtaking.

The average incline over these 42 miles was 4%, this includes the 6 miles of down hill that occurred JUST prior to our final climb of 8'ish miles at 13% incline....13%! If you aren't sure of the intensity that I intend to convey with my bolded text let me say, it was WILDLY steep and intense. Over the course of our ride we gained 5200 feet in altitude...yep, 5200, that's five-thousand-two-hundred feet...aka a freakin' mountain. So, you ask, how high is 5200 feet? Well, if the word 'mountain' doesn't put it into perspective for you, try these statistics on for size: the Seattle Space Needle is a mere 605 feet; the Stratosphere in Las Vegas (which feels freaky high when you're on the top) is only 1,149 feet high; and finally, the tallest building in Chicago, the Sears Building is only 1,730 feet high. While it's true, we did not scale the mountain's face straight up with our bikes tied to us. We did however ride up the side of a mountain. It was incredible.

During this kind of a ride one is likely to experience a profound range of emotions. For example, at mile 10 I was euphoric and strong. Mile 20 I was hungry and strong. Mile 23, I was sweaty, worried and starving. Mile 27 I wondered what the heck I had gotten myself into and how long it would be until there was another food stop (it really is all about the food for me). At mile 30 I dug deeper, got inspired and realized that I needed new life goals. Mile 35 I cried from a deep sense that I would never reach the top. At mile 36 a car stopped and the passengers (looking fresh and NOT stinky) asked why we were cycling up the mountain. They offered us A bottle of water (as if a single bottle of water would somehow help at this point). I laughed and asked if they had whiskey, of course they did not, they were driving. It should be noted that I have never before consumed whiskey or even considered drinking it, but mile 36 seemed like the perfect time to start. At mile 40, after about 5 hours and 15 minutes of climbing I finally settled on the comforting feelings that only one thing can inspire. Christmas carols. And so I sang...the remaining assent to the summit. They were, without doubt, the very worst renditions of 'Peace on Earth', 'Silent Night', 'The 12 Days 'til Christmas' that one has ever heard. Thankfully I was so out of breath at 5200 feet that my 'singing' was really more like a quiet 'spoken word'. If only I had had my microphone.

At the summit I was inspired, thankful, elated, and terribly stinky. Stinky like you have never thought was possible. But I was also deeply appreciative. I had not expected that this kind of group ride could inspire such a deep sense of appreciation. I appreciated my body for not letting me stop or wreck any number of times. I appreciated my bike for only dropping its chain ONCE and never having a flat. I appreciated the food (I really appreciated to food), the volunteers, the sunshine, the wind (when it was behind me), the wide and clear bike lanes and the company. I appreciated the beauty of the mountain range and the opportunity to see a mountain that I have never seen so closely. I appreciated my beautiful partner and my phenomenal friends for joining me in this trip and pulling me up the mountain. But most of all, I appreciated the fact that I was done. I mean come on...it's a MOUNTAIN for crying out loud. I will say, it is certainly worth taking the DRIVE up to see the beauty that is Mt Saint Helens. But, leave your bicycles at home. (wink)

My First Tri

2008-06-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Some may think that it was naive, ambitious or even INSANE to sign up for an Ironman before having completed even a single triathlon. And yet, here I am. I've come to think, in my young and inexperienced wisdom, that sometimes it's best NOT to know what one is getting into. Honestly, had I known first hand what training really meant I might never have believed that I have what it takes to really prepare and complete an IRONMAN. And yet, here I am; entry paid, hotel and flight secured, bike tuned, training in progress. Finally, under the wise and beautiful wisdom of my wife, I did my first tri yesterday.

Thank the gods and goddesses, I LOVED it! I have always had the feeling that I would like the sport. All the gear, the multi-sport intensity, the gear, the bragging rights, the idea of pushing myself to the limit and laughing as I cross to the other side....it's righteous. To actually do it; to be in the water and feel first hand the nauseating mix of thrill and panic...THAT is bliss.

The water temp was 63 degrees; aka freakin' cold! And while I was standing on the beach, goosebumps collecting on my drying skin, I could not get my mind to accept, or even acknowledge, that I would be diving in to swim the short 900 yards in mere moments. It was very reminiscent of the morning before my comprehensive exams two weeks ago. There was nausea, there was denial (lots of denial as I am an accomplished denial'ist), more nausea and then the gun. Thank god, in my comps there was no wet suit (can you imagine?), and well, no gun (despite what my mind kept telling my body). But still, that feeling on the beach was uncomfortably familiar. So, the gun went off and I tried to swim. I say tried because despite my intense comfort in open water and relentless training hours, the moment I put my face in the water I had the uncontrollable desire to gasp (for you non-swimmers, this is a VERY bad idea...gasping underwater). This went on for about 400 yards (oh goody!), but then magically, all was well. My brain adjusted to the cold water, my heart rate slowed and I began to swim and enjoy myself. The end of the swim felt amazing and I was actually sad to see the end come so soon. I felt like I needed the mother of all do-overs. But just as I thought of the do-over my lovely wife jumped out of the water beside me (where did she come from?), seaweed dangling from her right ear, and she ordered me to 'RUN!'. "Oh" I said, "dear god". And so I ran.

Running while stripping of a clingy outfit of neoprene and rubber is nothing what it looks like in the adult movies. :) It's weird. Here I am in front of a million people with cameras, running, wet, looking ultra-UNhot, stripping of my rubber. It was a surreal moment. So, naturally, I waived, as you do.

The bike was easy and fun. I wanted to chat, hang out and ride along. I forgot, this was a RACE. So, I rode, but in the back of my head I kept hoping secretly for a bakery or a donut stand at the turn around. No such luck.

The transition to running was wonky, weird and willy-nilly. My legs were the equivalent to an adolescent child rebelling against an 8:30 curfew. I said run, they said stop. I said run, they said f-you. I said run, they said, 'I hate you'. So I kept running, well, I should be honest, I plodded. I found the argument with my legs entertaining as I don't and will never have children. Suddenly I felt like this was one of god's cruel little jokes. Just 'cause I don't have kids doesn't mean I can't get payback...and this made me laugh, nervously, but laugh all the same.

Trina was amazing. Her ride, her run, her swim kicked m-f'ing bum! She was great. A COMPLETE warrior and the motivation to keep me moving faster than my normal 'this is a training run' pace. :)

So, when all was said and done, 1:52 later, there was never a donut stop (so this WAS a myth), and there was never a beer stand. However, I did have an immense feeling of joy that I had finished and enjoyed the process thoroughly....after all, that Ironman entry is non refundable!

Here's to my next 'tri', the tour de blast and more gear! Keep on training!

Training in the Midst of 'Life'

2008-06-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

All the times that I have watched Ironman on TV (and I've seen a lot) never once did I consider that these athletes in all of their varying shapes and sizes had lives. Lives that required attention, time, work, studying, and/or effort that was entirely separate from their Ironman training experience. Now however, as I am prepared to take my PhD comprehensive examinations, more than ever I am cognizant that no Ironperson does this thing without other 'things' happening concurrently. It would be helpful if on the number bibs people could have their name AND what they had to 'do' while training. "New Mom", "Waistaff", "Lawyer", "New groom", "Barista", "Plumber", "Therapist....we all need one", "PhD student". These would really help me put things into perspective. :)

So during this first 'phase' of training I have also been preparing to take my written preliminary examinations AND my oral proposal/defense. Yesterday, the day before the 'party' started it was as if the universe decided to 'play' with my head. I ended up having to cancel my run, but did get my swim in. But with the way the day went, I'm freakin' lucky I didn't drown in the five feet of water in the lap pool. Man, I'm telling you; yesterday, I fell down three times (not that it is unusual for me to fall down, I do this with relative frequency...but not usually three times in one day), the power went out campus wide while I was printing and editing my proposal, I dropped my 'reduced fat' Oreo (please, what a contradiction) down a long flight of stairs (a travesty!), when printing (the second time) my proposal the copier made up blank pages randomly throughout the 600 I had to print...fun. Thankfully I got through the day relatively unscathed and having done my swim workout. Today I am to ride for a few hours...seems simple enough. First I just have to write and pass the first day of exams.

I wonder if there are any people to do Ironman who are 'sorta' into it. Are there any Ironpeople who 'kinda' do life, 'sorta' like to train, 'kinda' take life by the horns and mold it into submission?

low low low kind of week

2008-06-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Since jen and i couldn't be removed from our bed on saturday to ride we chose to walk to a party we were going to. That was 5.5-6 miles away--pushing lucy in the stroller. Our plan was to take bus home. However, we stayed too long so we walked home as well. So 12 miles of walking. And blistered toes. Because, me, being vain, worn dumb shoes. Well, not dumb shoes. Super cute Danskos. But dumb for going for that kind of walk. :)
Then next morning we got up to run. And the running felt great! Until about a mile-ish in and my left foot hurts on the top. So we debated continuing to run. Trying to decide if it was worth continuing and potentially injuring myself or if it was something that would just work it self out. Ultimately we opted to walk...so walked about 9 miles.
I am telling myself this is good. Listening to my body. Working together with Jen as my team mate. Walking is crucial to an Ironman at our level so to be able to sustain walking long distances is a must. So it is all good. The super added bonus was hours to spend just being with Jen and talking and catching up. That my friends, is priceless!
Yesterday was spin day for both of us. We don't like this teacher and both felt kind of bored with it. I think we are both tired. Jen bricked after. I thought about swimming but didn't. Instead went and got milk and cereal for us for dinner. Yummy!
Today I again couldn't get up to swim. While I feel ok about this decision....I MUST not make it a habit. It is a slippery slope to "I can't work out, I'm tired"...when really, the whole point of ironman training is working out, being tired, building up the stamina and mental toughness one will need to carry them through the day and into the night.
I need to reinstitute the 9pm bedtime. I had to do that last time and it helped.

So I am lacking workouts and only wanting to eat desserts of any kind. That is a problem. It'll turn around though I know!

Unintentional Day of Rest

2008-05-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today, Meg and Jen awoke to ride on Vashon island to find themselves transformed into slug-a-beds.

We could not get out of our princess and the pea bed let alone ride the 45ish miles of hills. So, today was an unintended day of rest and super-fun-family day spent with Lucy, Papi, and Grandma Flowers/Lis/Marty/Grando/Momo (can't decide what she wants to be called).

The lesson to those who might be reading this, in other words our parents and the other authors, every now and then....you just don't have what it takes and you have to follow your body. Our bodies were headed directly into our mattress.

When Meg did Coeur d'Alene two years ago....she had some moments about this far in to the training where things were getting difficult and she was really tired...and that was without a 5 month-old in the house. So, we are trying to be gentle with ourselves, knowing that we are way ahead in terms of our biking mileage and we feel strong.

Tomorrow, however, we run....14 miles. Slug-a-bed be damned!

Righteous Ride!

2008-05-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

It is entirely possible that today's ride was the most incredible of our journey to Madison yet. The sky was blue, temps hovering around 70 degrees, the scenery gorgeous and the riding company was OUTSTANDING. At one point in our 40'ish mile ride we rode past Fern Ridge Lake, which to swim in is frightening, but to ride by is incredible. The water sparkled like diamonds and sail boats looked like magic toys floating on the crystal water. It was GORGEOUS!

We saw tons of crazy-fun farm life, lots of pretty grass fields, strawberry fields (sing along if you like), vineyards, clover fields....it goes on. It was amazing. This sort of beauty makes one so thankful for the strength and desire to ride the country rodes.

Rides like today make me so happy to be on the journey to Madison. It was a remarkable feeling to ride hard and end feeling strong, euphoric (adrenaline is a phenomenal gift!), and so excited about the rest of our training. It is true that we are frequently tired, and probably more frequently hungry, nevertheless every single workout we feel stronger, more empowered, more thankful for the strength that is growing in our hearts, minds and bodies, excited and truly delighted in our decision to take on Ironman Madison. My god. What a ride this is! There is no better time than today. There are no better people to do this with. Ant there is no better opportunity than today.

Tomorrow we rest'ish....wink.

Spend, spend, spend....

2008-05-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

Three biggies accomplished today!

1). Signed up for the STP ~1 day (this is Seattle to Portland bike ride for those of you 'not in the know') www.cascade.org This is something one should only do once. But it'll be my 2nd. Because I am not normal. Briefly, it is a 200 mile 1 day ride that is not very pretty nor is it entertaining. However, it does give you bragging rights and much admiration so what can you do??! :) It is a day that begins ridiculously early and is a seemingly never ending cycle of "bike-grab food/drink-eat/stretch while in line for the port-a-potty to pee and reapply butt balm". But, I'm doing it with my sweetie and what we know how to do best is make all things fun. So I expect it'll be fun! And a total confidence builder for race day!

We'll drive down to PDX the day before and leave Lucy with my parents who are also watching our nephews!

2). Signed up for the Tour de Blast http://www.tourdeblast.com/ which is an 82 mile round trip ride through the Mt. St Helens blast zone climbing up 4,200 ft to the Johnson Ridge Observatory. I have done this before...however it snowed at the top and we didn't see blast zone or Mt. St. Helens because it was so crappy out and sagged down because our hand were so cold I couldn't shift or use my brakes. Let's hope for a nicer welcome to summer this year!!

This will be super fun because the McBrelfson's get to play! We get to play in portland on friday all day AND stay in a hotel room (reminiscent of chicago!) AND go on a great ride!!! And Jen and I will get to spend time with my brother and sister in law and nephews!

3). Signed up for our bikes to be shipped to Madison for the Ironman!!! Woohoo!!! We are really going! And the super duper bonus is that we don't have to unassemble our bikes!!! The will travel AS IS! And, with a bag as well! (ha! we'll show those ridiculous airlines and their checked baggage rules!)

Much accomplished, much money spent to do so!

Talk Show Hosts and Training

2008-05-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's official. I have decided. If school fall through I am going to become a talk show host. Seriously, these people are the bomb. Whoever thought up this idea (was it Sally Jesse or Donahue?)? It's brilliant! The only thing I love more than the idea of being a talk show host is having my OWN PERSONAL microphone....or maybe a crew of people to manage my collection of microphones.

For those of you who don't know this about me, I have a huge affinity for projecting and amplifying my voice with microphones. Yes, I know....I don't need one....ever. But I love them. I love them like I love the idea of hosting my own talk show. So how does this dovetail with training you ask? Today, on a 30 mile ride I watched all the talk shows I could find. This is the beauty of having a gear-head for a wife (Trina loves the gear!), she gets me everything we could dream of so that on rainy, dismal NW days we can train indoors....and watch talk shows. And so, when I'm training, when it's raining, I am indoors. And when I'm indoors not having to negotiate traffic and crazy people, I realize that training and going to school is hard. Not hard like making a fancy sauce for a lovely pasta dish, but hard like knowing you have to schedule a root canal and you can't afford the meds to get knocked out during the procedure so you schedule it w/o the meds because you know it has to be done. It's that kind of hard. And while I love a good challenge (believe me I DO!), I always like to have a back up plan. Today I realized my back up plan is becoming a talk show host. The only question is what type of host would I be? I'd like to think that you all immediately envisioned a high-femme Ellen type. I love the idea of starting every work day with a little dance, followed by stand up and a little time on the mic. Is that too much to ask?

But since this is 'training tales' I'll get back to the task at hand. Training is going strong this week. Last week we began adding hill intervals to our training. We run hills one day of our three run days, and we added speed intervals to one of our rides. It's amazing what a little variation in the speed department can do! It's also really emotionally rewarding to run hills and ride like a speed demon! Yahoo! I look forward to adding more speed work to the runs...but for me this has to come slowly because of shin splints and GI business (I won't go any further I promise). But the speed will come. It's funny to think about speed work. We're planning to complete a 140+ mile course in one day....let's face it...there's no quick way to the finish line.

PS: Would it be over the top to use a mic in the classroom?

I heart swimming!

2008-05-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

Jen and I completed our training plan for the remainder of the training which feels great! I love a plan to follow. My plan for training is to get up and go in the early morning....like be at gym at 6am. This allows me to get my workout in prior to Jen needing to leave for work/school. I really hate getting up so darn early, but what I know about myself is that I work out MUCH better in the morning. I don't do well with the workout hanging over my head....feels oddly threatening. I figured this would be a good way to ensure my workouts---get used to getting up early M-F for work out or work. In order to do this I have to get up early enough to either a). feed lucy if she wakes up or b). pump enough for Jen to feed her while I am working out.

Anyway. Enough on the logistics. Today I was to swim and do a speed run. My swim rocked! The swims are feeling good and I am remembering when I got to this place last time in training. Where the swims just plain feel good. The most relaxing and least intense of all the training. Meditative. I felt like a little fish slithering through the water...or a stingray as Jen has suggested. :)
The run was on treadmill. We are doing our midweek shorter run (4 or 5 miles) as some kind of speed workout. In my training last time this was supposed to be the 1st/last miles at a regular pace and the middle 2 at 90% of max heart rate. Now that is just frickin' insane people. Jen said I always looked like road runner taking off. I always felt a mix of "who-can-i-punch?-and-oh-shit-i-am-going-to-trip-and-get-the-f*#%-out-of-my-way". I decided this approach is completely unnecessary. So instead all speed workouts are "runner's choice". Today I started at a 10min./mile and then gradually speed up over first mile to a comfortable 9min./mile. For the middle 2 miles I increased my speed every quarter to half mile, ending at a 7:30min./mile pace. The last mile was done at 8:30min/mile pace. It felt great! Yay! First decent run in a long time!
Things to do: work on nutrition, make bike transport arrangements, get new bike computer installed, get new swimsuit.

Week 11...13 More!

2008-05-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

So excited to be blogging! Today Meg and I had a fabulous workout...a mini-triathlon in and of itself. We started with an hour swim.

Now recently my swims have been feeling great, smooth, fast, tireless, and other great swimming adjectives. Apparently, however, that was so last week because this morning I had forgotten how to swim. My head was moving all over the place, my hips (which you should know are made of stone) were not even rotating as miniscule-y as they normally do, my hands were entering at bizarre angles, and I kept getting other people's hair caught in my nose clip (yes people, a nose clip...i keep all the orifices plugged during the swim). It was really just wrong. Meg and I were splitting a lane and I kept thinking, "she's kicking my ass, swimming like a freaking sting ray (you thought I was going to say dolphin...but that was just too obvious). Anyway, 30 minutes in we decided to do some 50 meter sprints. This seemed akin to asking our 5 month old to do a series of crawl sprints given that she doesn't even turn over yet. Remember, I had forgotten how to swim!

The sprints went well, I remembered how to swim, yada yada yada, we got out of the pool. Yeah, I know, a lot of story build up for a really awkward and disappointing punch line.

Next we were off to our 1 hour spin class...with Jeoff (clearly a gay boy because what straight boy spells Jeoff with an O?). He was AWESOME! It was seriously like Queer as Folk meets American Flyer or Breaking Away (whichever 80's cycling movie you prefer) meets A Chorus Line! This is the only spin class with three acts, people! This guy is a true performer and a kick ass trainer. And, let me just share that the class was full of all his wanna-be 'fag hags' (which i say with all the love, respect, admiration, and campiness that both fags and hags deserve)...so much fun! Anyway, he was as you would expect of a white, gay boy trainer in his late 30's....super-buff, cut, tan, fun salt-n-pepper spiky hair, great dancer, and high high energy! The music was great...Cher (of course), club music (unrecognizable to this 38 year-old once-lesbian-identified queer girl and mommy), and a sweet 80's rock mix. He began the class, or should I say his opening number, was dancing through the rows of the 20 of us, bouncing up and down, and pouncing onto his spin bike with the agility of a puma, and then proceeding to pedal in a way that can only be compared to the blurry circle that is the Roadrunner's legs.

And with a Meep Meep....we went from 0 to 'oh-my-god-i-fucking-want-to-die-but-he-is-so-fun-that-i-want-him-to-like-me-and-be-my-best-friend-so-i'll-keep-pedaling-even-though-my-power-bar-is-going-to-make-an-uncredited-appearance' in 60 seconds. The class was great...I left wetter (from sweat) than I was when we were swimming. And, then came our mistake. We thought that his performance meant he was nice, kind, perhaps humble and would maybe even be polite to someone paying him a compliment. What made us think this? We are part of many queer and straight communities....we've seen boys like him before. He was performing, performing Jen...and now the performance was over, AND SCENE! He could not have been less interested in our feeble attempt at becoming his best friend and the worst part is, I (a pseudo-intellectual, doctoral student, with a penchant for words) said "funnest" in a sentence. All we could do was shamefully leave the spinning theater and hold onto the genius that was his performance.

Then we ran for 20 minutes....no great stories...I partially blame Jeoff for my lack of creativity during the run.

Tomorrow....we rest...actually Meg works, I take care of Lucy, and the parents arrive on the scene. Until then...

Madison or Bust

2008-05-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

So far so good. Rain or shine, sleet and snow, GI business (if you get my drift), and scorching sun we are training as if our lives depend on it. Never before have I felt so committed to an event, well, except maybe graduate school, my first marathon, or getting married to my wife, but other than THOSE times, this is definitely the most committed I've ever been! You have to be intensely committed to take on an Ironman, don't you? Why else, in gods name, would someone commit more than six months of weekends, evenings, lunch breaks, and nights of sleep to endless running, biking and swimming? Don't get me wrong, this is a frolicking good time, but seriously, there was a life before Ironman...wasn't there? Didn't I once go to movies, take walks on the beach and enjoy leisurely weekends? NO? I didn't? Well thank god then that I'm finally doing something useful with my 'free' time. My life will now forever be broken into the 'before ironman' years, 'ironman training' and 'post ironman'. This journey is THAT defining for me.

Training is amazing. Every week I learn something more about myself and about my will to live. When you're out on a highway, on top of a steep hill, with cars racing by and rain pounding down, one really appreciates every breath we take. Well, that and that the brakes that were recently tightened. Sometimes when it gets hard I just think about the blessings that have come. The blessings that allow me to spend this much time swimming, biking and running. The blessings that keep me healthy and safe as I swim, bike and run myself straight to Madison. The blessings that have brought me to this path with some of the most phenomenal, fantastic women I have ever met. We are changing our lives with every yard, every mile, every revolution of our tires. Look out Madison.....here we come!

Cheers!
Here's to Madison!

PS: gotta love a good runner's high!

Time to Tri!

2008-05-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hello!
Let the Mad Blogging begin! Jennifer and I are resting today in prep for a long run tomorrow. Our plans today include lots of yummy food and a matinee movie. Gotta go play!