Queercorn and Cookie the Monster's Race Plan

We are nearly there. We have shipped our bikes and we can't remember what day it is and we are counting down the workouts.

Saturday, August 30: Run 10 miles.

Sunday, August 31: Double spin class. Pack for Madison.

Monday, Sept. 1: Swim 45 minutes.

Tuesday, Sept. 2: Fly to Chicago. Drive to Madison. Check in at the Candlewood Suites.

Wednesday, Sept. 3: Jog 3 miles. Drive out to the bike course and drive it. Nap. Eat well. Hydrate. Watch movies and dumb tv (like John and Kate + 8). Hang out with the McJabneys (jennifer and trina).

Thursday, Sept. 4: Pick up packet 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Pick up bikes and bags at 1 p.m. Swim one loop of course, if possible. Check out the helix and transitions areas. Check out the merchandising areas. Start organizing transition and special needs bags. T1, T2, Bike Special Needs, Run Special Needs. Nap. Hydrate. Eat Pagliai's Pizza brought to us from Iowa City. Go to the Great Dane Brewery. Email Pig a birthday card. Email people our bib numbers so they can track us on race day. Go back out to bike course, with Tula, Pepper, et. al and ride a couple of hills.

Friday, Sept. 5: Go to race site at 8 a.m. for Gatorade bag check and practice swim, if we are not able to swim on Thursday. Try to get out of mandatory athlete meeting or attend from 7:30-8:30 p.m. If we go to mandatory meeting, have family dinner prior to meeting. Nap. Hydrate. Plan parking for Sunday. Have family pizza dinner and pass out secret surprises.

Saturday, Sept. 6: 10-3 p.m. bike and transition gear check-in. BIKES: to Monona Terrace Parking lot level 4. SWIM TO BIKE BAGS: Ballroom C & D. BIKE TO RUN BAGS: Hall of Ideas Room G & J. Check and re-check special needs bags which we take to course on day of race. NO NAPPING. Hydrate. Take warm bath and klonapin and get in bed at 7 p.m. to be asleep by 8 p.m.

RACE DAY~Sunday, Sept. 7:
3:30 a.m. awaken. Eat two eggs and two pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam. Have a coffee with cream (jen but not meg). Drink 1/2 liter of H2O and 1/2 liter of nuun or gatorade. Meg will wake & feed Lucy in order to drain the boobs as much as possible. Parents are getting Lucy ready for the day and dealing with all her needs other than the boobie feed. Get dressed: bathing suit, sweats or shorts, t-shirt, chacos, baseball hat.

4:30 a.m. leave.

5 a.m.: Body marking. Check bikes (tires, computer, cookie/grover, tubes, pumps, food on bike). Put Friction Zone samples on bikes. Count racks, find landmarks to make sure we can find our bikes after the swim. Agree on place to meet when ready to head out on bike course. Meg will feed Lucy again if able. Head to swim start by 6am. Put on wetsuits and liberally apply Friction Zone to rub areas (neck, inner arms, lats). Mark our caps and feet with hot pink sharpies so we can detect each other in the water, maybe. Kiss family good bye!

6:30 a.m. Enter water for the deep water start

7 a.m. mass swim start

Swim:
This picture was taken on IMMoo race day 2007...while my friends were trying to sign me up...didn't get in! Later got in through collegiate divison. The lesson of this story is, don't go snorkeling on sign up day!

Seed ourselves midpack-frontish on inside if possible. Ask people around us their time predictions to get a sense of if we are where we should be to avoid as much running over/being run over as we can. Pee in my wetsuit. Relax and float. Avoid using energy as much as can. Get goggles situated and not leaking. Jen-put in earplugs & nose clip. Visualize the swim ahead of us. Sight as needed to stay on course. Glide, stay long, stay in our bodies and our swims. Navigate as can without wasting energy. Remember the goal of the swim is to swim as swiftly as we can while remaining efficient, very TI like. Dedicating the swim to Meghan in hopes that her fish-like qualities assist us. Remember to draft if we can. Agree to not worry about each other during the swim, but find each other at transition. Remember that body contact is not personal, it is inevitable. Try and pee in water at end of swim. At finish, cross mat, let helpers help us and strippers strip us (hee hee). Walk/run in shame up helix in bathing suit and hope that none of the 10,000 spectators see us. Be invisible.

Finish strong goal: 1:25:00
Realistic goal: 1:15:00
Pie in the sky goal: 1:10:00

Meg swim start IM CDA 2006

T1:
Dry off. Put on shorts with Friction Zone on the bits. Put on sports bra, jersey, gloves, socks, shoes, helmet, sunglasses. Put in eye drops. If cold, wear dumb STP jacket that can be tossed when warmed up. Make sure number is in the correct placement and secured. Eat PB& J, drink gatorade/nuun. Pee if not able to at end of swim. Meet each other at designated spot and wait if the other one is not there. If other person is not there in 30 minutes then leave.

Goal: 7-9 minutes.

Bike:
Remember MECCA, RAGBRAI, Vashon Island and STP! Remember on tail out and first lap to be solid, but reigning ourselves in so that second lap and tail back we have energy to step it up (based on advice of IMMoo veterans). We want to feel as if we are going strong and solid, but we could go faster and that faster would not be a sprint. Breathe! Take in the scenery, talk to the animals, and definitely say, "hi cows!" Enjoy the ride, remembering that biking in the country is fun.

Ride Breakdown: The ride is a 17 mile tail, 2 loops, and a tail back to town. Loop goes through 3 towns and the towns 13 miles apart. 4 tough hills (per jillyfish, an IMMoo veteran) all coming between 2nd and 3rd town (Cross Plains to Verona). It seems the course has a great way to break it down mentally. To quote jillyfish, "I think about it as 17 miles to the loop (easily do-able in my head), 13 miles to each town, and 13 miles to each town again, and 17 back to Madison--voila, you are done!" Dedicating the hills to Jennifer and Trina who rode up Mt. St. Helen's with us after Meg told them it "wasn't very hilly." It is a volcano after all. Try not to stop until we have completed the first loop (coordinate with special needs stop and bathrooms). Meg will need to express milk during bathroom stops. Because, nothing says fun like hand expressing milk into a Honeybucket (port-a-potty) urinal.

If we get flats or have mechanical issues, we will remain calm, only freak out a bit, and then force ourselves to belly-laugh to break the tension...after all this really is a silly overly-privileged race. Then we will get on with it and fix the whatever and get back on the course and if we can't, we will throw our bikes away and start drinking. Check time after first loop. Pick up special needs bags to replace food, etc. Eat and drink regularly (every 15-30 minutes). Refill with Gatorade/fluids as needed at aid stations. Get a banana if offered.

Meg is eating: margarita salt cliff blocks, peanut butter filled pretzels, fig newtons, nature's path peanut butter energy bars, chocolate Gu, PB&J. Drinking: H2O from camelback; bottle of nuun.

Jen is eating: snausages, PB&J, peanut butter filled pretzels, fig newtons, power bars, margarita salt cliff blocks, cola cliff blocks, creamsicle Gu. Drinking: H2O from camelback; bottle of gatorade. Jen is also taking endurolytes, 1-3 per hour if hot.

Remember we are a team, doing this together to finish together. We have done a lot of long, hard hilly rides together with far less training and much more baggage (physical not emotional). For instance, 18% grades in Connecticut, the hilliest state in the union that no one knows about. Or, 204 miles in one day when no one should even ride more than 70 miles ever. Or, finally, 5200 feet elevation gain in 52 miles of riding...that is just wrong. Be honest with each other re: our needs when we know them, not after we have buried them for miles and miles. Consciously check-in, encourage each other, and respect each other's process and pacing. As a team, use our individual strengths (meg-endurance and consistent pacing over time; jen-strong at beginning and pushes our limits to reach our potential) to make us stronger and complete the course with energy left for the run. Dedicating the second lap and home-stretch to each other because we always get each other through the tough rides.

Spin it out the last 2-3 miles to get legs ready for run. Let helpers take bike to wherever they take it.

Finish strong goal: 7:30:00
Realistic goal: 7:15:00
Pie in the sky goal: 6:50:00

T2:
Change all clothing because really, we're doing this thing in 14 hours-ish...no need to wear the same sweaty, salty, crusty outfit all day. Put on run shorts (2), new bra, new shirt, new socks, and running shoes, and visor. Ditch sunglasses unless glaring. Re-apply friction zone to: underarms, under boobs, around belly button, around bra straps, inner thighs, feet. Drink nuun/gatorade. Put heat patches on jen's low back. Take endurolytes, pepto-bismol, ibuprofen and compazine (in hopes of warding off all inner evilness). Eat either PB&J (if tolerable) or Gu. Make sure number is properly placed and secured. Hoot and holler for making the bike cut-off. Whoo hoo. Exit.

Goal: 5 minutes

Run:
Walk for the first 10 minutes. Make a plan for how long we can run at that point; aim for 20 minutes. Then begin 10 minute "Alternating Ownership Chunks"- a little game we have come up with to break down the run; e.g. meg says "we shall run for 7 minutes and walk for 3." The next 10 minutes is jen's choice of run-walk breakdown. Remember Admiral and Oregon Street, those bitchy hills! Breathe and settle in. Walk through all aid stations every 1-2 miles. Eat bites of something at every aid station. Alternate gatorade and H2O. Dedicate the first lap of the run to Pig, Petey, Jeannette and Brooke for watching Lucy so we could shuffle along Alki. Dedicate the second lap to Kelsey, Chris, Erica, and Dayna for watching Lucy, thinking Jen is pretty, and being the fabu queer "kids" that they are. Enjoy the spectators and volunteers (remembering to always thank them). Talk with other racers and encourage them as needed and appropriate. Soak in the sounds of the finish approach (about a 1 mile out). Reflect on our journey, stay upright, watch footing, begin celebration, stay present and near each other. Only speed through the shoot if there is a chance of coming in at sub-14 or sub-15 or sub-17 for that matter. Otherwise, enjoy the shoot, the crowd, our families, and listen for our ironic announcements, "Meg and Jen you are Ironmen!" Grab hands and hoot and holler with our joined hands waving above our heads and cross finish line (no skipping).

Finish strong goal: 5:30:00
Realistic goal: 5:00:00
Pie in the sky goal: 4:45:00

Overall race goal:
Finish strong goal: 14:38:00
Realistic goal: 13:43:00
Pie in the sky goal: 12:58:00

Bottom line goal: Sub 17:00:00

This entire race is dedicated to our families: Mary, Charlie, Doug, Michelle, Sam, Everett, Number 3, Elise, Jim, Robert, Aline, Pig, and Petey. Without your support (financial, emotional, lucy-watching, house-hold running, and just putting up with us) we absolutely could not have done this. We love you all and are deeply grateful. Thank you.

A big fat thank you to our training partners and friends, Jennifer and Trina. Without Alone-Plus...we would just have been doing this alone! You have both demonstrated courage, strength, and trust in the process, each other, and us in remarkable ways.

And to Lucy, our fabulous, amazing, awesome, funny, sweet, strong, adorable, independent, sociable baby. Thank you for being exactly who you are and who you will become. You rock and we love you.

To our dogs, Zia and Otter, we promise a trip to the dog park in your very near future. Really, we promise, seriously, we mean it this time.

And, finally to each other: "You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." Brian Andreas


Iron Meg, IM CDA 2006 finish

Seattle to Portland...merely a training ride: In three parts

Part I: The Ride


Meg and I rode (with our friend Meghan...see side bar) the STP in a day. This is a ride from Seattle to Portland and folks can do it in one day or two. We opted for the one-day version, a total of 205 miles...twice as long as my furthest ride and quite possibly my longest workout ever...perhaps with the exception of ultimate frisbee tournaments. But frisbee tournaments are always punctuated with short breaks, slamming oranges and bagels, and smoking pot, so the two really don't compare unless you count the pot part. I'm kidding...I never ate the bagels.

Anyway, there was no pot...we were definitely feeling the pain, after mile 150 anyway. Up till then, Meg, Meghan, and I were just zipping along (avg. 17.0 mph for the entire 205). We felt good, we took turns leading our pace line of 3 and joining on to others. It was really fun and great to be riding with two women who are competitive with themselves but are not about beating others. Just great! Meghan is a hell of a climber...kicking our asses up every hill. Meg is rock steady and is truly the energizer bunny....in fact I think she is still riding between the two cities. I'm not clear why...but I felt like a mother hen protectively watching over my chicks...sometimes riding in the back of the pace line to make sure all was well...that and that I got the best drafts of the day.

I joke, but I really did want to make sure my besties were not being hit by all the riders (sorry fellas...but mostly you guys) who would pass within inches without so much as a chortle. ON YOUR LEFT....say it with me boys...three little words that could mean the difference between a great day riding and a traumatic head injury. I see you all Lance-Armstrong-wanna-live-strong-and-be-like-mike-boys trying to win a ride that a) is not a race; and b) did I mention it wasn't a race? But really to what end are you passing so closely and saying so little?


We rode strong and finished strong...if a bit snarky and a tad nauseated. But, 205 miles in one day....that my friends is 93 more miles than race day. I feel a distinct psychological advantage!



Part 2: Lessons from the Road


1. We learned something about our need for better hydration...but we aren't sure what we learned

2. Chamois butter (aka butt balm) is an ointment of the gods

3. Training for the event is better than not training for the event

4. 4 hours of sleep for 4 nights in succession may have a biblical ring, but it makes for a long ass bike ride

5. Chip seal sucks

6. Real food is better than fake food

7. 205 miles is 130 miles further than anyone really needs to ride in a given period of time

8. We are rockstars

9. The STP really only needs to be done once ever

10. We googled it (not from the road....but we thought about it there)....people actually compete in things called Enduroman competitions....these are Ironman x 2 or 3!! Seriously...look it up.

Part 3: Jen gets on her social justice soap box...again

Enough of the complaints....at least about the riders. I'm unclear as to why...but there is an ongoing conflict...war is too strong...perhaps an ongoing "police action" between cyclists and motorists....as if the two are mutually exclusive. I don't know about you, but I also use a car as do the majority of cyclists. There are some folks who do not...and bravo to you I say! Anyway, most of us cross-over and can really relate to the frustrations of sharing the road from both points of view. When I'm driving...I sometimes don't see the cyclists at night...or if they run a stop sign or if they are just doing everything right and are in the bike lane. Then...when I don't see them and I nearly hit them I feel scared and want to lash out...at them...as if it is their fault that I nearly killed them. When really, I didn't see them and am blaming them for my mis-step. Bad form, Jen.

When I'm a cyclist...I couldn't be more irritated with the honking, the yelling, the gestures, the fake "loss-of-control-and-now-i'm-in-your-path," the speeding, the opening of car doors to scare you, the not seeing you and then blaming you for not seeing you. These things bother me. So you see...I understand the tensions...but really, is there a need for a battle of the roads? Can't we share? With the price of gasoline bicycles will soon be all any of us can afford anyway.

To add insult to injury...some (a small minority) of young white men seem to think it is their right, ethical duty, job even, to yell obscenities and threats at women cyclists. These are the same characters who likely feel that women's bodies are theirs for consumption. And, sometimes they combine the two beliefs and yell things like, "I can see why you are riding a bike fat ass" (white male yahoo as conveyed to me on STP, 2009).

Now as my partner said...this is a bit like going to the Ironman and yelling at the women competitors..."You should be swimming, biking, and running you fat ass." Doesn't make much sense now does it? Let's see....I'm swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112, then running a marathon and you are doing?? Oh that's right...NOTHING.

But, it doesn't stop the sting to have critical consciousness and an ability to outhink the yahoos, and some seriously snarky comments, does it? No...the sting of that sexism and the women-body-hating misogyny is no less...because the targets of forms of oppression end up doing some of the oppressor's heavy-lifting...by internalizing the narratives. I've written on this before....and you know that I am the owner of 38 years of anti-women's bodies narratives....all of which I resist and attempt to overthrow....and then a yahoo yells at me, and I am a pudgy 12 year-old believing that her very physical existence is an assault on what women "should be." And, I even hate that pudgy 12 year old, and then I feel guilty for hating her, and then I hate myself for hating myself, and then I hate myself for hating myself for hating myself...and the spiral continues until my head explodes.

When this kind of stuff goes down it makes me want to hole up in the house with my girls and listen to Free to Be You and Me until...you guessed it...my head explodes. That the yahoos of the world can still reduce me to a pudgy 12 year old who didn't deserve the shit she got in the first place...first pisses me off, then just saddens me. She was a cool kid...a smart kid...a great athlete who struck out all of those boys who called her names and had a hanging jump shot by the time she was 14. My body has worked for me...and it did again on Saturday and it will again on September 7th.

To all the yahoos: My body is not yours to consume for so many reasons...but mostly because you can't f*cking catch me!