Fears, Sags, & Getting Back in the Game

PART I: In Which Fear is Discussed Nearly to Death

So, I received a mile by mile description of bike course & sent it to the madtrigirls aka Team McBrelfson. You can see it here: http://www.brittracing.com/ironmanbike.htm. I think it has us all a bit nervous. Jen sent us a great motivational story in an email to the tune of the 'little engine that could.' So, here is my 2 cents.

Fear is good! You are supposed to be afraid right now. Terrified even. Poor Jen had to "talk me down" so many times during this phase last time....my fear of not being able to do it, my fear of being slow, my fear of missing a cut off time, of getting a flat, of looking fat in my race clothes, of being in horrible pain & uncomfortable, of letting other people down....my fear about my fears, thus learning about meta-fear. Goodie!

This time around I guess, I don't feel too scared. More numb. More like, jeezus....I don't feel like riding hills all day. I wanna nap. But, that lack of true fear is only because I've passed through it before and saw it from the other side. And see that getting through the fear is just one of the biggest parts of the training. Alas, as with most icky things, the part no one talks about, how down to your core terrifying it is.

We can all do this. It might not feel good. In fact many parts of it won't. Parts of it will make us want to throw away our bikes (with the heartfelt sentiment & foot stomp of "I'll just get another one if I ever do want to ride again!") and lay down in a ditch and cry. Well, hide and cry. Other parts will make us elated to be DOING IT...out there, in our fabulous strong bodies. Doing things very few people dream of doing and even fewer attempt. Think about it! To do this is a gift. To see yourself going through the process and being committed, determined, fit, strong, sassy, sweaty, afraid, organized.... well, we stretch and grow. Well, I don't actually stretch. I am opposed to it for some reason & only do it after spinning when the instructor is watching. And while I am not shrinking in size, I can only hope I am not actually growing. But I digress...we are stretching and growing and filling out more of who we are every day.

Fear of the Ironman is like a fear of bears.....good to have a good healthy respect and fear of the race. Then, show up and move through it. I think it has been somewhat scientifically shown that you will most likely encounter the fear approximately 140.6 times that day. And each time you will rise above it. You might even laugh at it!

Race day is all about a commitment to stay inside your self, inside your body, and keep it moving forward. Moving forward is always progress. It may feel slow & painful, but it is all part of getting it done. And Team McBrelfson knows a thing of two about getting it done!

PART II: The Multiplicity of Sags

Sags. I'm training and training. And I haven't really lost weight. People, how the eff is this possible?!? My Lucy enhanced sags are going no where. I say 'enhanced' as I know full well they were there before. Now they are even more Dr Seuss like than before. Sags suck.

Sagging. We signed up for the Seattle Century that took place last sunday. In hindsight, this was not such a great plan as we got back in town late the night before after being gone for 10 days. And then had to get up crazy early and go ride. 100 miles. Once there however, even the pie wasn't enough to keep me in the game. First, I was told it was flat. And it was not. Argh. And the map they gave us of course elevation further indicating flatness was completely wrong. And for a girl that didn't feel like riding at all and really wanted to be back home...that was all it took. We hopped in the sag wagon and went home after 50 miles. Mind you, it was a good 50 miles. We climbed about 2,000ft and our ride time was 3 hr 20 minutes. Say what you will, but there is a time and a place for sagging. And I'm getting good at picking them out!

PART III: Where Meggie Trains Again

I've been a slackin'. Or life has been too crazy. Or both are true. Training has been rough the past few weeks. First off, we chose to do the STP. So naturally this caused some reorganization of our training schedule to allow for some pre/post recovery and therefore missed workouts. In the week leading up to and the week after, our babylady starting pushing her teeth through and was not sleeping. Which means MamaMeg was not sleeping. Beyond Tired MamaMeg doesn't do well training. Because at that point, I just don't care. Next, we were packing and prepping to go to N.Carolina for jen's family reunion. Um, it is effing hot in N.Carolina. And humid. While we were there we did do a 7 mile run and an 18 mile run. Both made us feel like we were going to literally melt, vomit, kill someone, pass out...but given it was about 96 degrees and humid I'm giving us a pass on that and a big fat bravo for even attempting it. Besides, despite how we felt, we did fairly well. We had planned to swim laps...in a pool that we later found out had no lap swim time. And, much like my healthy fear of bears (and ironman races, see above), I also have a healthy fear of sharks that doesn't allow me to actually swim in the ocean. We did bike. Biked ala Pee Wee Herman. On our beach cruisers. But hey, 20 miles on a beach cruiser isn't exactly a cake walk.



So, we are back. And I feel like I am back in the game again!!! Woohooo! I swam 1.5 hours yesterday and realized I had forgotten how to swim. I no longer knew how to rotate, hold my head in position, breathe or kick. Luckily, I didn't drown with all that forgetting and I know that this happens after swim breaks and didn't mind too much and was able to come back today to rock a 45 min swim. I did exactly 1.5 miles (48 laps) in 45 minutes. This is because I remembered to do the other thing I always forget about...pull. One generally swims faster if they remember to actually pull in the water!

I'm feeling good--I'm back to spinning. I missed my run because of the babylady, but will make it up tomorrow. I've listened to my body and for that I am proud. Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you just gotta let it go if life gets in the way. And sometimes you need to give yourself a stern lecture to get back off your butt and back in the game.

So, lecture to self done and I'm back! Fiercer and more bad ass than before!

Apathy and Milk Woes

I don't feel like working out this week. It is feeling too consuming. Physically, I feel well....stronger than last time (how, i'll never know!). But I'm sleepy. And I'm mentally tired of the logistics it takes to train for an Ironman with a partner who is also training for an Ironman.....and a 6 month old baby....and both of us with jobs....and Jen trying to get dissertation ready....and all the other 'life' stuff. Coordinating workouts is daunting at this point. So, instead, I want to hang out, nap, and mostly I want to be completely irresponsible for a few days. I want to be lazy!!!! I want to stay up late drinking beers and eating chips! I want to sleep in and then go to a coffee shop and sit around drinking coffee and eating cookies! I want to putz around in the garden all day!! I just don't feel like exercising.

That being said....I know this is just where I am right now. It is where I was last time. So, I just will keep plugging away at it.

I can't believe we are 9 weeks from race time. Training has been a blur and that scares me. It is a bit nerve wracking to be getting close to something this huge that I scarcely remember training for!!! Yet, logically, I know I have done the workouts just as I did last time. And that, while I spent more time on my actual bike last time rather than in spinning that my bike strength is somehow better. Wierd.
The test will be STP...we are doing it in 1 day. That is 204 miles. I did it in 2001. But I'm old now. Oh yeah, and we have only been on our bikes outside 4 times....the longest of which was 72 miles. It ought to be interesting. :) However, my big worry of that day is of a more "delicate" nature....how shall I say this? Too much information coming...... A breastfeeding mama shouldn't go 15+ hours or so without some "relief"!! On Tour de Blast after just about 6 or 7 hours I was bent over the toilet 'hand expressing' that precious liquid gold away.... impressive amounts I did know possible. Thank goodness for real bathrooms!! Except, umm, on STP there are porta-potties. Going to have to get creative.

Not much else to say except that despite apathy setting in, I did manage to get up this morning at 5am and hit the gym and did my swim for the day before work. Tomorrow is a 75 min swim (should be about race distance-2.4miles)and a 5 mile run.

A mountain, a bird, and misogynist discourse

A mountain
As Sassy-Femme noted, we rode up Mt. St. Helen's to get our climbing legs on. For me, the ride was great for many reasons: 1) SF and TT (their longest and steepest ride ever) showed incredible endurance and mental toughness getting up to the top of that ride; 2) it was beautiful and you could see the mountain (which is more often than not, not the case); 3) i was riding with my sweetie who has a depth of stamina that bouys and astounds me; 4) TT followed her intuition and her body so that we all stayed safe, healthy, and happy; and 4) i felt really strong.

I am excited about the bike portion of the triathlon and know that Meg and I will have a strong race. We plan on doing the entire race together, pushing and/or pulling each other to the finish. When Meg did her first IM two years ago, I saw a couple doing the whole thing together and it was just really sweet and powerful to watch them support each other through the physical, emotional, etc. ups and downs of the race. The race as a metaphor is not lost on me.

A Bird
Update on Jeoff, who we are now simply calling the Roadrunner because I don't know how to pronounce both of the F's in his name: We went back to his spinning class last week, even though I had not forgiven him for smiting my compliment. Meg decided that the Roadrunner must be loved for his performance and not for his interpersonal skills. He should be watched and not spoken to. He should be theatrically enjoyed and not befriended. Sage advice...so I will be content to spin my little legs off and simply bird watch.

Misogynist Discourse
I have an issue with my body....have since I was a kid and I come by it honestly. My mother thought she had a "weight problem" as did both of my grandmothers....perhaps their mothers before them. Shocking! A woman, with a hang-up about weight? Really, in this country?

Yes, as trite and platitudinous (so not a word) as it is...I have always struggled with my body image. Now, I have been thin, chubby, awkward and round, curvy, muscular, lean, flabby, and somewhat overweight...but always powerful, athletic, and able to take up physical space. Through all of those shapes I have thought the same thing: "I am fat. I am not what a woman should be. I am not what a woman should look like. I am fat."

OK people....i have internalized this misogynistic discourse not only at the hands of my mother and my mother's mother and her mother's mother's mother. Notice how we hold the women responsible for perpetuating misogyny. This fat discourse is really a U.S. fairy tale and not the good pro-woman kind like where....hmmm....are there good pro-woman fairy tales?

So, I learned this disgust for my body, my fat, my "bigness," and I continue to struggle to find both my strength and my beauty. As a kid, I thought that I was in the wrong kind of body because I loved baseball, basketball, running around, getting dirty, climbing trees, digging holes, making forts. I learned my gendering properly and thought there was something wrong with my "girl-ness." I was that girl that everyone called tomboy and I mostly wore the label with pride. But, I thought inside, "I'm not what a girl should be...and I'm fat." I know this is not a unique story...I think in some regard that is exactly my point. It isn't unique because the misogynist discourses surrounding gender and weight are pointed and purposeful, these discourses police us. Yeah, yeah...Judith Butler says it better...so go read her blog.

You know what....now that I'm into this discussion this far....I don't have the wherewithal to continue. I think my point is....I continue to struggle with this...even though my body is going to move 140.6 miles in one day in three different kinds of events and sometimes all I can think about is how fat I might look in the damn wetsuit.

more on this later....i will just continue to subvert these discourses even as they inhabit my body.