We must be done....because I seem to not be working out. Oh, I'm getting in my long workouts. But the midweek workouts seem to have gone bye-bye. I did our run last weekend. I swam 2x this week. And it ends there. No runs. No spins. No bike. And, weekend is here again...so I'll do my long workouts. This weekend-- an open water swim followed by a hilly 40-60 miles on saturday and a flat 19 miles on sunday.
Is this bad? I know it is all I can do. We were too darn tired yesterday and went home and rested and then did some yardwork. I'm ready for some "real life". Real life as defined by puttering around in the yard weeding & planning. And hanging out with Jen while she does school work. And taking spontaneous naps. And cooking. And having a clean(er) house. And taking the dogs to the park.
In my core I know I am doing what I need to do for where I am in my life and in my days and I trust that. Well, I mostly trust it. There are parts of me that feel like a slacker. Which is crazy....how many new parents decide to both do an Ironman???? Or decide to do it at all for that matter. I am not a slacker, but there is that piece for me. The piece that knows that I, for whatever reason, won't let myself go all out. That won't let me push myself past the point of 'uncomfortable'. Sure, there are times when I can and do. Especially when it comes to endurance. I truly am the Energizer Bunny and will always just keep going---which is why I can do an Ironman, a 1 day STP, a RAMROD, a marathon....or keep working at a job I hate for that matter. In training though I will always be holding something back. Some reserve. There is some confidence or something in knowing I have something "left." It helps me feel safe. I always held back in school too. The theme of doing "just enough" to get by. Hmmmmm....me think there is some therapy here. I know it has to do with "showing up" and "being seen". It has to do with fear of failure.
Ugh. Why is every single thing a therapy session!??
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While I do not have a child, I can totally relate to the holding back for confidence when I show up. I am caught in this weird place of feeling like I should keep going and put it all on the line NOW and part of me wants desperately to believe that the 'stuff' I am holding back (my little secret stash)will pull me through to all of the cut offs with a few moments to spare. You know your body so well. You have been down this road before, you have relished the sense of euphoric victory and your body is your guide. Keep up the good mental and physical training. You are nearly there!!!!! I admire your honesty and clarity. Keep up the amazing endurance!!!
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